Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
I鈥檓 currently going through the end of a six-year live-in relationship. It鈥檚 devastating for a number of reasons, but I鈥檓 writing to you because I鈥檝e lost my backcountry hiking partner. I was a city girl through and through when we first started dating, but after a bit of a rough introduction, backcountry hiking has become a really important part of my identity. We worked really great on the trail together; we鈥檝e probably hiked 300-plus miles in places that are hard to get to and hard to get out of. We鈥檝e literally saved each other鈥檚 lives.
Now in addition to feeling like I鈥檝e lost my partner, my best friend, etc., I also feel like I鈥檓 going to lose hiking. I live in a big聽East Coast city without a robust hiking community. The idea that I鈥檒l meet someone new, let alone someone I can work well with and trust in the backcountry, just seems impossible. Any thoughts on where even to start?
Oh聽man. What a double whammy of a tough time. It sounds like this person has been your primary connection to the backcountry, so it鈥檚 no wonder that you鈥檙e worried about holding onto that identity without them. But the truth is, it鈥檚 not your relationship to anyone else that makes you a hiker. It鈥檚 who you are. All the things you and your partner did together, those 300 miles you hiked? They don鈥檛 go away just because the relationship is ending. These experiences belong to you. Those miles are yours,聽and those skills are yours,聽and no breakup can take them away.
Before you start looking for a new outdoor聽buddy, I want you to go hiking on your own. This is vital, because it means that whoever your next hiking partner is, your identity as an outdoorsperson will not be dependent on their presence in your life. If you鈥檇 like, you can start small, just an hour or so alone on the trail. It鈥檚 not about how far you hike; it鈥檚 about building a relationship to the outdoors that celebrates, but doesn鈥檛 rely upon, the people around you. You may be surprised by how different it is to be outdoors alone鈥攁nd also by how similar it feels. Hiking brought you joy as part of a relationship, and it can be a balm now that the聽relationship is ending. Let wilderness help you grieve the changes in your life.
Your city may not have a robust hiking community, but it鈥檚 a big city, so there are definitely outdoor聽folk to be found. Look up hiking meetups and check out your local outdoor聽store, which probably has a bulletin board with events. If there鈥檚 no hiking group that fits your needs, consider starting one. When my mom moved to a new town, she couldn鈥檛 find a hiking club, so she organized one through her synagogue鈥攁nd ten years later聽that group is still going strong.
Just as your ex introduced you to hiking, you can also share your passion for the outdoors with new people. Do you have a friend who鈥檚 looking for a hobby? Someone who just moved to town聽or who鈥檚 also going through a breakup? Take them聽on a day trek in the woods. Teach them聽to have fun, to relax and enjoy the wilderness without pressure to perform. Share your knowledge. People tend to think that they鈥檙e either outdoorsy or not鈥攐ften based on how much time they spent in nature growing up聽or how practiced they are at specific skills鈥攁nd a sense of being 鈥渘ot outdoorsy鈥 can be a major hang-up for people who would otherwise have a great time outside. As a self-professed former city girl,聽you have a unique chance to connect with people who might otherwise find hiking intimidating.
Finally, keep in mind that it鈥檚 generally easier to find a good backcountry partner than a good romantic partner, and I鈥檇 encourage you to separate the two. It鈥檒l put less pressure on both relationships聽and give you more flexibility in finding the right fit(s). Maybe you鈥檒l fall in love with your hiking buddy,聽or your soul mate will happen to be a thru-hiker鈥攂ut if not, there鈥檚 no reason that you shouldn鈥檛 have the best of both worlds.