I ran a trail marathon last month, my first race since becoming a father, and I was pleasantly surprised at how much my two-year-old daughter brightened up my usually stressful,听solitary prerace ritual. Previously听it looked like this: obsessing over how many calories and how much water I could get into my system while sitting on a toilet in the dark and applying large quantities of body lubricant. This time, my wife and daughter had a raucous dance party in the living room of our 1,100-square-foot house while chanting 鈥淕o, daddy, go!鈥 as I ate toast and pounded water in our kitchen. While this significantly brightened up the food and liquid consumption portion of my ritual, it did put a damper on the lubrication of my thighs, chode, and nipples. Instead of adding 30 seconds to my routine by running into the bathroom, I chose to duck down behind my kitchen counter to apply . As I giggled at the absurdity of this, I听realized that I鈥檇 been in a lot of awkward situations with this very same six-year-old stick.
Take the most sordid听photo shoot I鈥檝e been involved with.听I was writing a story about racing in a 100-mile kayak event in 2013, which is when I bought this stick of Body Glide. My photographer shot me applying it at 5 A.M. in the cheapest motel I could find in Redding, California. We laughed uncontrollably at how horrified the owner (who we assumed had seen a lot of crazy shit) would be if he peeked in the window to see my buddy adjusting the filthy red lampshades to get the right lighting听to snap pictures听of me lubricating my entire upper body.
There was the time I gave it to my wife the night before I ran the North Face Endurance Challenge 50-mile course in San Francisco. I told her that if I asked for it at the aid station, she should just hand it over and听avert her eyes. Then听a few weeks ago, I shared听it with听my brother while he was sitting shotgun in my car at the start line of his first half marathon. He asked me three times how much he should put on his nipples, to which I replied, 鈥淭here鈥檚 no such thing as too much.鈥 We giggled and avoided eye contact with his fellow racers warming up around us.
Thankfully, for chafing issues听we鈥檝e had Body Glide to turn to for the past 24 years. Personally, it has kept me rub-free for more endurance training and objectives than any other product. Since a little bit goes a long way, my $10 investment from the summer of 2013 has stretched听to a point where I can鈥檛 even fathom the price per use.
While most of us have Vaseline in our medicine cabinet, Body Glide has significantly more staying power. Petroleum jelly can keep my nipples chafe-free for about an hour, but after that听I might as well not be wearing the stuff, which leads to bloody nipples. Body Glide has the added bonus of not feeling greasy or staining听clothing. It goes on like deodorant and remains a dry, unnoticed warrior against friction for hours.
Body Glide is not the only anti-chafe product I鈥檝e used in the more than half a decade that my stick has lived in my bathroom. I鈥檝e tested a great many personal lubricants听as the Gear Guy at 国产吃瓜黑料. Body Glide didn鈥檛 even win in a head-to-head test I conducted last year. The expensive and luxurious won that specific听competition, but I didn鈥檛 keep using it and I couldn鈥檛 tell you where the jar went. Nothing against the fancy stuff, but听Body Glide feels more like a trusted old friend听than a product.