You鈥檙e gonna want to sit down for this. Actually, don鈥檛 sit down. Stand right there. Just like that. Well, a little more upright鈥攕houlders back. Head up. Like there鈥檚 a string sticking out of your skull or something. Yeah. OK now you鈥檙e ready.聽
Here鈥檚 the news: you鈥檙e going to die. Well, probably not right now, but someday, this body that you鈥檝e pushed to countless marathon PRs will perish, and as far as we know, you鈥檒l cease to be. Yes, you should cry about it. Or scream. No, seriously, go bat-sh*t crazy鈥攔epressing your emotions is one of a zillion ways to cut short your earthly existence according to science and pseudoscience and lifestyle-blogging starlets.聽
In case your ultimate goal, like mine, is to do an at 100 then drop dead at the finish line after finally qualifying for Kona (quelle trag茅die!), I鈥檝e compiled a list of what鈥檚 killing you today, so you can avoid these terrible time-stealers and live the full century to which you were never entitled if you were born before 2057.
First up: Your job. Now鈥檚 the time to ask yourself: Do you really need it? Because Harvard and Stanford researchers that found work stress can take up to three years off of your life. Do people pay you to do something? BAM! Now you鈥檙e down to 97. Just kidding. It鈥檚 not that simple.聽
The Washington Post titled their article on the study Astute readers will note that using the word literally before a word encased in single quotes is like a double negative鈥攖he words cancel each other out. An equally valid alternative title might be: your job is not killing you. If you work an instable job with no health insurance, the researchers found, your gig could cost you up to three years. But if you鈥檙e a desk jockey with fabulous benefits but no or , you鈥檙e still going to perish too soon, a fact that brings us to鈥
Your bum. If you like to sit on it for more than three hours a day, you鈥檒l be down two years from Louisiana State University and Harvard Medical School鈥攏o matter how much you exercise. (Harvard researchers: crapping on life since 1636.) But if you do exercise a lot, you鈥檙e doing yourself a disservice because鈥
Too much exercise, or, more specifically, running more than 2.5 hours a week, will also , according to heart researchers in Pennsylvania, Missouri, and New Orleans whose claims lit up the internet in 2012. How short? Who knows. collapsed during a long run and he was only 58. Does that prove anything? Absolutely not, but those researchers from Missouri and Nawlins certainly think it does. Still, other researchers would鈥檝e lauded Micah True鈥檚 love of low-sugar, high-fat chia seeds given that鈥
Sugar is killing us. Yep, too much sugar may shorten your lifespan. I know it鈥檚 a spoonful of downer to hear right before the holidays, but several studies, some more poorly designed than others, have linked a diet high in added sugar to a brief existence.聽
Last year the World Health Organization from 10 to 5 percent of daily calories. As CBS news points out, that鈥檚 just six teaspoons, or 25 grams, of sugar per day. Yoplait Original鈥攖he kind currently marked “TASTE YOU LOVE, 25% LESS SUGAR”鈥攖he kind an adorable, quirky Frenchwoman has been telling us about since June鈥攕till has 18 grams of sugar per serving. So the obvious lesson here is: if you eat more than one Yoplait a day, you鈥檙e going to die young. If you dip into your kids鈥 Halloween stash, may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Particularly if you cut out fat in the 鈥90s, since…
Low fat diets pluck years from your life like a lover with a daisy, mostly because sugar gets added to your non-fat food so it doesn鈥檛 taste like the flavor apocalypse.聽Wait, what鈥檚 that? High-fat, low-carb diets also decrease lifespan? That鈥檚 what the Aussies are saying? So might bad posture, being alone, eating bland food, suburbia, and taking the dad bod too far? How are any humans still alive?
So I guess what I鈥檓 saying is this: it鈥檚 probably best if you spend your life standing around trying not to work too hard while perfecting a diet low in everything. Or maybe what I鈥檓 really trying to say is: everything in moderation, then forget about the rest, since tomorrow there will surely be another announcement that something you do regularly will keep you from seeing your great great grandchildren grow up to become stressed about the stress their jobs might cause them, then die young because that generation never read this article telling them to chill out. Because none of us know our expiration dates, and what鈥檚 the point of living to 100 if worrying about it snatches the joy from just one single day between now and then?聽