Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
A few months ago, my girlfriend was the first person to come across a bad wilderness accident. I鈥檒l spare the details, but the basic story is that she was solo backpacking, investigated the sound of yelling, and came across a situation where two people were extremely injured. She was there for hours trying to help and comfort them and taking messages for their families, but in the end, they both died. She doesn鈥檛 seem to blame herself鈥攖heir injuries were already too severe to hike out and get help鈥攂ut she still seems broken by the experience.
Since then, she鈥檚 been seeing a therapist to deal with PTSD and has made progress, but she鈥檚 still struggling to do things that used to be easy for her. She says she wants to go outdoors with me but then ends up getting really upset and lashing out, even though I鈥檓 just trying to do the thing she wanted to do in the first place. For instance, last weekend she suggested a day hike, and it seemed like things were fine, but when I wanted to stop at a waterfall to take some pictures, she started sobbing. It makes me feel like I鈥檓 doing something wrong, but when I try to talk to her about these patterns, she shuts down emotionally. I want to support her and enjoy the outdoors together again, and I am committed to this relationship, but I don鈥檛 know what to do.
Your girlfriend did an incredible kindness. She comforted other humans during their last hours on earth, offered them company and care and the knowledge that they were not alone, that their lives would not end alone, and that their families would know and feel their love. She bore witness. She cushioned their pain. And when these strangers passed, she absorbed that pain. It is not fair that this happened to them, or to her鈥攐r, for that matter, to you. But both of you should know that she offered one of the greatest gifts that humans can give one another. She provided the kind of humanity that we might all wish for ourselves, or our loved ones, if the worst were to happen.
And now she鈥檚 suffering from an intense mental illness, and you are the one bearing witness. Her brain is firing unfamiliar signals鈥攊magine having a terrifying stranger inside your own head鈥攁nd she鈥檚 trying to manage your concern and her own hair-trigger adrenaline response and batshit chemical responses at the same time. If she says she wants to go outdoors with you, then she does. She wants a connection to the part of the world that always made her feel whole, and she wants to share that with you. And that part of the world, because it is also the site of a great trauma, is at once a poison and the cure. It鈥檚 no wonder that her return to the outdoors is fraught and complicated.
The most important thing right now, for both of you, is that you鈥檙e getting help. I鈥檓 so glad that your girlfriend is seeing a therapist and making progress鈥攖hough, as you know, progress is often slow, and circuitous, and sometimes requires reopening wounds so they can heal more effectively. If you haven鈥檛 already, you should also make sure that you have a good support system in place, whether that鈥檚 your own therapist or friends and family. There鈥檚 growing evidence that PTSD can be contagious, especially to romantic partners. If you鈥檙e supporting your girlfriend through her flashbacks, listening to her story over and over, then you鈥檙e taking on a share of that trauma. Make sure you鈥檙e getting the help you need鈥攁nd much of it has to come from outside the relationship. Think of it this way: The two of you can鈥檛 save each other from drowning. You need a lifeguard for that.
That doesn鈥檛 mean you shouldn鈥檛 tell your girlfriend how you鈥檙e feeling, because you should. But be careful that you鈥檙e not expecting her to handle all of your feelings about her illness while she鈥檚 handling that illness herself.
Try to accept her and your emotions without judgment or worrying about what they mean for the future. They don鈥檛 mean anything for the future, not necessarily鈥攖hey are only happening right now, just this moment, not forever. Ask your therapist for techniques to deal with difficult moments as they arise. If your girlfriend panics on a day hike, stay calm and comfort her. Breathe slowly and ask her to mirror your breathing. Describe sensory details to help place her in the present moment: 鈥淲e are by a river. The rocks are warm. Listen to the sound of crickets. The aspen leaves are moving with the breeze. You鈥檙e with me. You鈥檙e with me.鈥
Read books on trauma: by Bessel Van der Kolk and by Mac McClelland. Be gentle with yourselves; make time for activities that you both find relaxing, whether it鈥檚 cooking or watching movies or just reading side by side. Focus on the next hour at a time, not the next week. Know that things are getting better, and that you love each other, and that your future is joyful and peaceful. Trust in that joy together.