Welcome to听Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
I recently went through a breakup where my now-ex told me that I was boring and holding him back from his own adventures. I think part of the reason was that while I can be outdoorsy, I鈥檓 generally not, and he valued his own (more rugged) adventures above my past experiences. My wonderful friends were quick to point out that I was the more experienced traveler by a long shot, but it still stings. And since the breakup, I鈥檝e been struggling with this insecurity of being 鈥渂oring.鈥 Any advice on how to stop seeing my adventures (past and future) through my ex鈥檚 eyes and just enjoy them?
Holy smokes, dude called you听boring?听That鈥檚 the kind of thing someone says when they鈥檙e (a) intending to be hurtful or (b) generally self-absorbed and insensitive, and either way I鈥檓 glad that this guy is your ex. Seriously, can you imagine saying that to someone you care about, or even someone you don鈥檛? Critiques of taste are critiques of identity; they鈥檙e designed to sting. His judgment says way more about him than it does about you.
Basically, if this guy is bored by your adventures, it鈥檚 not actually about your adventures; it鈥檚 about his lack of empathy and imagination. And that鈥檚 if he really听is听bored by them and wasn鈥檛 just saying that to lash out. Either way, it鈥檚 his character flaw, not yours. Because you know what鈥檚 actually boring? Being so devoid of empathy and imagination, and having such a narrow-minded perspective of the world, that you think your limited taste is the only one that matters.
Too bad that your ex has a limited capacity for wonder; that must make his life boring indeed. But yours, my friend, is not. I guarantee it.
To be totally honest, I never quite feel like I fit in the outdoors. I am a strong trail ultrarunner, an ecologist, and love spending the day bouldering and听climbing at crags. But simultaneously, I love wearing makeup even when I鈥檓 in the outdoors, miss my pillow when I sleep in tents, and I can barely tolerate going multiple days in a row without showering. Overall when I鈥檓 in nature I struggle to feel like I鈥檓 wearing the right thing or acting the right way. I want to be a grungy, outdoorsy woman who rocks greasy hair and unshaven body hair, but it feels like betraying myself and my comforts. I know there鈥檚 no 鈥渨rong way鈥 to experience nature, but how can I be less self-conscious of my existence in the outdoors without abandoning the things that make me feel like myself?
The reason that your interests in makeup, clean hair, and so on seem dichotomous with time outdoors is because our culture has framed things that are stereotypically male and stereotypically female as at odds with each other, and some deeply disturbing parts of American history have shaped our cultural perceptions of the outdoors as fundamentally masculine. In other words, there鈥檚 no conflict between nature and femininity (however you define it) at all. But the tension can definitely feel real, especially if the people around you are dealing with their own insecurities; they can project their anxiety about听doing things right听onto you.
The good news is that you have some great clarity. You know what you need to feel at ease, you know there鈥檚 no wrong way to do nature, and you recognize that the real issue here is having the confidence to embrace your preferences鈥攚hich puts you ahead of a lot of people. Because even if other people鈥檚 preferences aren鈥檛 the same as yours, we鈥檙e all dealing with the same pressure to conform. Maybe the grunge-embracing women (and men) you admire are actually self-conscious in their everyday lives, dressed up, and see the outdoors as a respite from judgment. Or maybe they feel pressure to own gear they can鈥檛 afford, or they secretly want to dress in glitter or neon or all black. You can鈥檛 know how the people around you feel, but you know yourself, and you can use that insight to help break the听clich茅s听of what it means to be (and look) outdoorsy.
Try to soak up confidence from a larger community. Scroll through hashtags like to find people who are embodying gender in a way that feels right to you, or who have the guts to do things their own way. When you need new gear or clothing, consider buying it from woman-owned brands, like and , that put performance and femininity hand in hand. And if you need to, practice being yourself in small ways: each time you go into nature, try a new thing that feels like听you,听whether it鈥檚 testing a new hairstyle or packing your favorite foods.听Remember that there are plenty of creature comforts, like and , that nobody will know about unless you decide to tell them.
Should you ever feel self-conscious about pulling out your travel-size goose-down pillow, remember: if you don鈥檛 see the role model, you are the role model. By being yourself, you鈥檙e building space for the other people who feel like you鈥攁nd even for the people who don’t.