Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
Q: There鈥檚 this girl I just started seeing. We鈥檝e gone for drinks a few times, and I think she鈥檚 great, but she wants to do something a little more exciting for our next date. Her suggestion: a 12-mile run on our local trail network. I run casually (well, I guess I should identify as more of a jogger), and I鈥檝e hiked the route she mentioned, but I can鈥檛 imagine running it鈥攍east of all with someone I genuinely want to impress. About half a mile into any run, I鈥檓 soaked, huffing and puffing, red in the face. I鈥檓 not sure date number four is the time I want to reveal that side of myself. But I鈥檓 afraid if I ask her to go for a low-key hike instead, she鈥檒l think I鈥檓 wimping out. What鈥檚 the move?
鈥擜nxiety Sweats
A simple answer is your best bet. 鈥淭hat sounds great, but I鈥檓 not sure if I can keep up with you! How about X or Y instead?鈥 No need to be embarrassed, although that鈥檚 easier said than done. It鈥檚 in the nature of dating to be 1) trying to impress the other person, and 2) easily embarrassed, and those two things are, of course, flip sides of the same coin. Since your runner girl is also a human being, she鈥檚 probably insecure, too鈥攚ondering if it seems like she was showing off, or second-guessing if she should have taken the risk of suggesting a date. Which is all to say: take a deep breath. You like someone! You鈥檙e going on a date! This is all very good news.
Now it鈥檚 your turn to suggest an alternative, and your best bet is to stick with the idea of something active in the outdoors. There鈥檚 nothing wimpy about hiking, but you could up the adventure quotient by suggesting a new or tricky trail, and up the thoughtfulness quotient by packing a picnic. You went for drinks鈥攊s there a special beer she likes? Slip two into your backpack next to your half-frozen water bottle and surprise her when you stop for a break. Or how about an early morning bike ride that starts by headlamp and ends with watching the sunrise?
You鈥檙e gonna do great, kid. But let鈥檚 step back for a moment and talk about fitness and dating.
I was an unathletic kid who grew up to be a semipro athlete, so I鈥檓 pretty familiar with the your fitness to other people. And I can tell you, having been on both sides of this equation, it feels like a much bigger deal to be the 鈥渓ess athletic鈥 person than it does to be the 鈥渕ore athletic鈥 one. (PSA: If you鈥檙e faster than somebody else, and you stop to wait for them, make sure they get a chance to rest,聽too,聽before you start moving again!) The reason unequal fitness levels feel so much more shameful than, say, unequal cooking skills is that fitness is intimately wrapped up with body image, which is wrapped up in a value system of worth and failure and even Judeo-Christian ascetic morality. This shit goes deep.
So in case you鈥檙e not 100 percent clear on this: There is. Nothing. Shameful. About. Any. Body. No matter how slowly you run. No matter if you didn鈥檛 run at all, or if you physically couldn鈥檛. You are hot stuff, and this girl is lucky to get to know you.
Which isn鈥檛 to say that if a person loves running, they shouldn鈥檛 seek out a partner who also loves running. If you love being active outdoors, and your partner does too, that opens up a million opportunities for things to do together鈥攎aybe you鈥檒l get into thru-hiking or skiing or kayaking or wildlife photography or something else entirely. But even if by some miracle you meet someone who鈥檚 hooked on your favorite activity and does it at the exact same level, and you fall in love, and you decide to spend your lives together, your bodies will grow and age differently. You鈥檒l get sick or pregnant or busy, or you鈥檒l go on a health kick, or your partner will, and part of the beauty of relationships is watching each other evolve, experiencing another life parallel to your own that, like yours, changes in ways you can鈥檛 predict.
Who knows? If this turns into a longer relationship, someday she may be the one asking for a low-key hike. And she will be no less spectacular.
Q: Official stance鈥攃an you hit on strangers on the chairlift?
The appropriate way to hit on someone in an enclosed space is to politely invite them out of the enclosed space. In this case, it鈥檚 easy: Does your chairlift cutie want to ski together? How about grabbing a hot chocolate at the lodge? If your cutie happily agrees, you鈥檙e golden. And if they demur? Smile, wish them a great day, and be glad chairlift rides are short. (If you don鈥檛 happen to be on a high-speed lift, hang in there. This too shall end.)
Q: My significant other has threatened to break up with me because I have too much gear and my storage locker is out of control.
That鈥檚 not a good reason to break up with someone. That said, it鈥檚 true that you don鈥檛 need all that gear, and there are people out there who can make good use of it. Make a date with your SO to sort through your locker and either sell or donate the stuff you don鈥檛 use. You鈥檒l probably still have relationship problems, but at least your storage locker will be clean.
Q: How many dates until I can snot-rocket in front of someone?
When it鈥檚 right, you鈥檒l know.
Your turn鈥攁sk away at toughlove@outsidemag.com.