Welcome to听Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
My partner is an ex-semi-pro skier. He鈥檚 kind, patient, emotionally intelligent鈥攁nd highly competitive. This summer, I taught him to climb, which he agreed to if he could teach me to ski. Fast forward a few months: it鈥檚 winter and I鈥檓 terrified.
My (very expensive, holy cow!) skis are getting tuned (is that the right term?) as I write this, so it鈥檚 too late to back out. But it seems like every friend I talk to tells me not to let my significant other teach me to ski. They say, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 how we almost broke up!鈥 or 鈥淥ne time I taught my girlfriend to ski. She鈥檚 not my girlfriend anymore.鈥
Now, I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going to split over this, but I am very worried about setting realistic expectations for my abilities (I鈥檓 clumsy and risk averse) and feeling pressured to perform to the point that I鈥檓 no longer having fun. What should I do?
Wow, what is going on with your friends鈥 bad ski relationships? That鈥檚 a surprising one. A lot of people learn new hobbies from their partners鈥攈onestly, that鈥檚 how half the world gets their hobbies鈥攁nd a lot of those couples are still together. If they break up, odds are it wasn鈥檛 the hobbies that did it.
Your partner was semi-pro, so he knows the work it takes to get good, and he鈥檒l probably have realistic expectations for your progress. One of the first tenets of teaching someone a new outdoor skill is to leave them wanting more, so if he鈥檚 a good teacher, he鈥檒l give you frequent breaks and keep things low-pressure. You鈥檒l probably be sore after your first sessions, so plan time in between to recover.
This is a great chance to practice communication鈥攖he same type of communication skills you use for sex, washing dishes, meeting the parents, etc. Think about what you want and tell him clearly, so you鈥檙e both on the same page about the time you鈥檒l spend on the slopes, specific things that scare you, and the kind of teaching you prefer. (This doesn鈥檛 have to be a heavy conversation:听鈥淗ey, I think I鈥檇 like to ski about twice a month鈥澨齣s fine.) You might even set a goal together for the season, something that feels realistic to you, and then you can work toward it at your own pace. Ask him to give you techniques to practice alone. He can work with you for a while, then take off for a while, and you can come together in a few hours to share your progress.
Most importantly, remember that skiing is meant to be fun. One of your favorite people in the world is teaching you one of his favorite things, and you鈥檒l get to share in that excitement together. I think you鈥檒l have a fantastic winter.
A few years ago I was inspired to become more outdoorsy by a courageous and wonderful friend. With their encouragement, I took up climbing. I trained a lot and they taught me skills and took me beautiful places to climb. We became romantically involved and had amazing adventures. For several years we have lived far apart. We would meet up to climb together and have the most spectacular times and then go back to our regular lives. I applied for a job in my climbing partner鈥檚 area and a few months ago I moved just an hour away. Unfortunately, our romantic life has become tumultuous and complex, complicated even more with by听the recent news that my climbing partner鈥檚 contract will not be renewed and they will move away in six months. My climbing partner is my main connection to the climbing community in my new home and we are fabulous at working together, climbing and camping. However, we are arguing a lot in text and over the phone when we are not outdoors. I wonder if the relationship is stopping me from making my own new friendships. I don鈥檛 know how to balance this unpredictable romantic relationship with building new relationships in the climbing community. How do I honor the long term relationship that seems to be coming to an end and integrate myself into the community so that I have future climbing partners?
The best way to honor a relationship that has run its course is to move on while causing the least possible anguish to your partner. In general, this means that once you know a breakup is inevitable, it鈥檚 kindest to do it quickly.
There will, of course, always be a reason not to break up yet. Maybe it seems easier to push through these last months before your partner moves. Or maybe you planned to spend the holidays with your partner鈥檚 family, or you鈥檙e in a class together, or you have a trip coming up with mutual friends. But drawing out a separation rarely makes things easier. And in this case, if you choose to cut off your romantic connection, you should probably stop climbing together, too. You may be great (platonic) climbing partners again in the future, but for right now, it鈥檚 best to make some space.
Every relationship gives us gifts, and this one brought you something particularly special, a sport that鈥檚 become part of your life. The challenge will be to reinforce your connection to climbing in a way that鈥檚 separate from your relationship. You can find new climbing friends on the 鈥攖hough be cautious when you meet strangers, and make sure they know what they鈥檙e doing before they belay you鈥攐r at your local climbing gym, which may have meetup nights. It鈥檚 also worth checking out the , which is basically a massive celebration for women who love to climb.
It may take a while to feel settled, both as a climber and, possibly, as a single person. In both cases, time will help. You鈥檒l be amazed at how much energy you have when you鈥檙e not arguing, and soon you鈥檒l build a connection to the sport that belongs to you, just you, and not to your former relationship. You are yours, and climbing is yours now, too. It always will be.