When I fly somewhere and I get to where I鈥檓 going, sometimes someone will ask, 鈥淗ow was your flight?鈥 And I just say, 鈥淎h, it was fine,鈥 because it usually is. But I was on a flight a couple weeks ago, and I started thinking, 鈥淵ou know, this whole experience went pretty well, yet again. But it could have been even better.鈥 So I started making a list of some things that in a perfect world, might have gone a tad more smoothly during my multi-leg trip.
- Airport auto-flush toilet flushed when I was still seated
- Repeated failure to trigger automatic faucet in restroom
- Paper towel ripped into pieces when I pulled on it
- Gate was far from Jamba Juice
- USB charger in seats at gate didn鈥檛 charge phone quickly
- Boarding protocol seemed to indicate that I am not special, or at least only the fifth most-special group of people boarding this flight
- Electronic boarding pass wouldn鈥檛 scan right away
- Said 鈥淕ood, how are you?鈥 in reply to flight attendant who said, 鈥淗ello鈥
- No one in first class offered to give me their seat in exchange for my non-first class seat
- No one in first class acknowledged my existence as a fellow traveler of the air with so much as a simple wave, head nod, or smile and hearty handshake as I shuffled past
- Person in seat next to me did not seem to think my job sounded interesting
- Comfort plus was not as comfortable as I鈥檇 fantasized
- Someone farted
- Guy manspreaded into my leg space bubble
- Only three of eight Mission Impossible movies available on in-flight entertainment
- Plane wing blocked part of view
- Clouds outside window not interestingly shaped
- Pilots did not invite me to help them fly plane or even hang out in cabin at all
- Plane did not have friendly, fluffy golden retriever patrolling the aisles
- Loyalty to airline rewarded with 鈥渕iles鈥 instead of a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on during hard times, or actual friendship
- No one complimented my new shoes
- Removing bag from overhead bin required multiple attempts spanning several seconds
- Human flight achieved in 1903, yet we still await the creation of affordable and widely available jetpacks
- No smartly dressed driver waiting with a placard bearing my name in a tasteful font when I arrived at my destination