Welcome to聽Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideim.com.
Recently, an outdoors organization I was very involved in throughout college voted on its senior award. I won鈥檛 quote the award description for privacy, but the two key words are selfless and inspiration.
The award went to a person who did not value my thoughts during leadership meetings, who couldn鈥檛 take private feedback about how he鈥檇 made me and other women feel unheard, who called me cold and heartless in front of an entire room full of people. But he鈥檚 perceived as harmless, and he knows the academic vocabularies of sexism, racism, and oppression, and he鈥檚 good at talking about those things鈥攂ut just talking, not doing.
Meanwhile, I鈥檝e led the conversation about race and gender inclusion in the group and also drafted our plan to improve it. I met with dozens of people in the organization to discuss future diversity in leadership, our weak point (we鈥檙e majority women with a leaky pipeline). I took on community-building and planned a year鈥檚 worth of social events, all on top of my typical duties as a leader. I鈥檓 not perfect, but I poured my heart into this and wanted to leave behind a more inclusive organization.
The fact that it was given to this person feels like such a slap in my face because of everything I鈥檝e worked for and tried to stand for through concrete actions. My peers could have recognized literally any other person and I would be happy for them鈥攎any have acted selflessly, been an inspiration, and respected women鈥檚 contributions. I should be focusing on the multitude of wonderful people who the outdoors has brought together, and feeling thankful. Instead, I鈥檓 feeling hurt and undermined. Am I being petty and taking this too personally?聽
The other day I remembered that I鈥檓 going to be working in a male-dominated field soon and will probably deal with a lot more of this, feeling unrecognized while men who do hurtful things are thanked and elevated, and I just broke down and cried. I鈥檓 aware that I took on a thankless job, and I鈥檓 proud of being strong and gritty, but how can I find internal validation and move on?
Years ago, my friend was part of a writing contest. The judging panel consisted of a fiction writer, an essayist, and a poet, and they had to vote on a winner from each genre.聽
The poet was most excited about a particular poetry submission, which he found groundbreaking. But the fiction writer and essayist judges didn鈥檛 really get the work, so they outvoted him in favor of his second choice, a poet who鈥攁s all three judges could agree鈥攚as very good.
The same exact thing happened in the other two genres.
And so the winning writers, when they were announced, didn鈥檛 represent the writing that any one judge was most passionate about, but the safer bets, the writers that everyone liked enough.
I don鈥檛 tell this story to diminish prize-winners. A lot of people win prizes because they do groundbreaking, brilliant, and deserving work, work that rises to the top through merit alone. But there are other groundbreaking, brilliant people who don鈥檛 win prizes, and that鈥檚 not necessarily an accident, either. Judges and gatekeepers have biases鈥攁nd because they鈥檝e been successful under a particular system, they鈥檙e often invested, consciously or not, in keeping that system the same. The more someone鈥檚 work pushes boundaries, whether it鈥檚 as an activist, an artist, a scientist, or otherwise, the more likely it is that that work challenges someone, and the harder it will be for any group of people to come to agreement on it.
This guy won an award you probably deserved, and also, it sounds like he sucks. In fact, he not only sucks, but he seems to represent the very opposite of the kind of inclusivity you鈥檝e been working for. Maybe that鈥檚 even part of why he won, why people voted for him. You'll probably never know for sure.
But you鈥檙e wise to recognize that this is part of a pattern you鈥檙e going to keep encountering. And you鈥檙e even wiser to start making plans for how to keep your head up鈥攁nd celebrate your accomplishments, which should be celebrated!鈥攊n the future.
If you鈥檙e going to be a woman in a male-dominated field, if you鈥檙e going to keep working for positive (but not always popular) cultural changes, you need to be intentional about determining your own measures of success.聽
Think of everything you accomplished this year. You gained leadership skills and perspective, but more importantly, you鈥檝e pointed your organization in the direction of being more inclusive. Maybe it already is now, in tangible ways, with new policies, new members spending time outdoors when they might not otherwise have felt welcome there. Or maybe the changes aren鈥檛 visible yet, because cultural progress isn鈥檛 linear, but you鈥檝e planted seeds and started conversations that will continue long after you鈥檝e moved on.
Now, I have two recommendations.
One: start a journal of things you鈥檙e proud of. Write down two or three things a day. Not necessarily the big accomplishments, like graduating college or getting a new job, but the small choices you make on a daily basis that represent your efforts to become, to continue becoming, the brave and ethical person you will always fight to be. The things nobody else will ever recognize. I spoke up for myself in a meeting. I asked how I could help, and then I did it.聽I learned enough to change my mind. I changed someone else鈥檚 mind.
Two: find the people who get you, who get what you鈥檙e working toward, and build up your relationships with them. You know those peers you mentioned who could have won this award, and how you would have been happy for them? That鈥檚 a great place to start. Write each of them a note saying what you appreciate about their contributions this year, what you鈥檝e noticed, what you鈥檝e learned from them, and what you鈥檙e grateful for. They may be feeling hurt like you are, at least a little, and you can give them the same boost you鈥檙e learning to give yourself.聽
By reaching out like this, you鈥檒l be taking steps to build a network of people with similar values鈥攁 network that might start with classmates, but that you can continue to grow in your new field and beyond. We set the culture of our own friendships; by noticing your friends鈥 efforts for change, helping them when you can, and being generous and exuberant in your praise and encouragement, you鈥檒l nurture a community that will do the same for you. And when they cheer you on, you鈥檒l know it鈥檚 coming from the people who matter the most.