Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My wife has always been active, the whole time I鈥檝e known her. She struggled with body image in the past, but has made peace with her body through hiking, swimming, and other movement. I think she鈥檇 say exercise is an important component of her mental health. Recently, however, she injured herself, and hasn鈥檛 been able to train as much as she usually does. Maybe as a result, she seems to have become careful about her eating habits, like weighing and measuring everything she eats. For example, she eats the same salad with homemade dressing every day for lunch. She might bake cookies, but they have healthy ingredients and she only eats one, and will bring the rest to work to give away.
She looks fantastic and doesn鈥檛 seem to be unhealthy or too thin, but the problem is that now she seems to be extending her control toward what I eat. If we go out to a restaurant, she鈥檒l say things off hand like, 鈥淭hat was your cheat meal for the week,鈥 even though we鈥檝e never discussed my eating and I am not on a diet myself. I feel like if I so much as get a Starbucks, she鈥檚 judging me. So I find myself eating at weird times, like when I wake up at night, but then I feel like I鈥檓 hiding things even though there鈥檚 nothing to hide. How do I get her to realize that she can monitor what she eats, but I don鈥檛 want her to do the same for me?
It鈥檚 not OK for your wife to control your food, but I鈥檇 be more concerned about the ways she鈥檚 controlling her own food, especially with her history of struggling with body image. Her focus on you seems like an extension of her own self-judgment, and she might need to fix her own perspective first. Looking great doesn鈥檛 mean that her mental health is on track. In fact, one of the most insidious things about disordered eating is that, to a certain degree, people are often praised for getting sicker鈥攁nd you might be inadvertently participating in that cycle when you compliment her looks, even though you鈥檙e trying to be supportive.
A good rule of thumb, particularly for people with body issues, is to only compliment things about their appearance that they can change in five minutes. Their long legs? Don鈥檛 mention 鈥榚m. Their new hairstyle, or the rad outfit they put together? Praise away. Of course there are exceptions: if you know your friend鈥檚 been working out for months with a particular goal in mind, and now they have the calves of their dreams, feel free to go ahead and comment. But the trick is to know the situation well enough to know what you鈥檙e reinforcing, and right now, that doesn鈥檛 seem like the case with your wife.
Your first step should be to start a conversation with her, although it鈥檚 really a coin toss on whether she鈥檒l be receptive. Framing things according to your own feelings might help her to feel less defensive. 鈥淚t seems like you鈥檙e monitoring what both of us eat,鈥 you could say. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to get into a pattern of tracking my food, but more than that, I鈥檓 worried about you. It seems like you鈥檝e been thinking about food a lot since your accident, and I know that you鈥檝e gotten into bad cycles with that before. How are you doing?鈥
It could be that this is the opening she鈥檚 been waiting for, and she鈥檒l jump right in, share her thoughts, or even ask for help. It could also be that she鈥檚 not ready to face her feelings鈥攂ut knowing you鈥檙e open to the conversation, and to helping her through this challenge in a nonjudgmental way, might help her come to terms with them a little sooner. Ultimately, she鈥檚 an adult, and you can鈥檛 force her to focus on therapy, nor can you force her to eat differently鈥攋ust like she can鈥檛 force those behaviors on you. But you can make clear鈥攍ovingly鈥攖hat her controlling comments aren鈥檛 welcome to you, and that you find them disturbing, which will at least serve as a small, regular reminder to her that this isn鈥檛 normal or well-adjusted behavior.
In the meantime, remember that this whole situation was triggered by an injury, which made her world smaller. It won鈥檛 fix all her problems, but I鈥檓 sure it would soothe her heart and mind if you鈥檇 help her find ways to make the world bigger again. Is she getting the treatment and/or physical therapy she needs to recover from her injury? Can you help her find sports and activities that don鈥檛 hurt, so that she still has positive chances to get outside and move her body? These could be small, new, daily parts of her routine, but you might also plan something more adventurous: say, a weekend trip away to go horseback riding or dogsledding, which will give her something to focus on, learn about, and look forward to. Even things as simple as a professional massage or gentle yoga class could help her reconnect with her body in ways that are built on enjoyment, rather than disappointment or betrayal. And you can remind her of the same: that she is miraculous to you鈥攖hat she is kind and brave and extraordinary鈥攏ot for what she can do, but for who she is.