Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My friend and I have been planning a big backpacking trip for the past two years or so, since our junior year of college. It started out as a far-off dream that, truthfully, I didn鈥檛 think would really happen, but step by step we鈥檝e done everything for it. We鈥檝e saved money, gotten in shape, bought and tested all our gear, and gotten time off from work, and all that鈥檚 left now is to do it. The exact day we leave will depend on a few things, but we are planning to leave toward the end of July or early August, so our departure is coming up fast.
Here is the problem that鈥檚 gnawing away at me: I am not sure I want to go anymore. I feel like the trip seems like a lot less fun than it used to, and now I have started to find myself dreading it, and thinking of all the other things I could do with that time (basically, I could enjoy a vacation). I don鈥檛 want to disappoint my friend, because he鈥檚 very excited and assumes that I am too. Do I have to go on a trip that I鈥檓 dreading? And if I choose not to go, is there a way out without ruining our friendship?
This is definitely a tough situation鈥攁nd the best course of action depends, in large part, on your ability to be honest with yourself about your plans and your feelings.
If your biggest problem is that you鈥檙e feeling discouraged and unmotivated, your friend might be able to help. Explain to him that you鈥檙e having trouble finding the excitement you once had, and you鈥檙e experiencing some new doubts. Maybe all this planning is exhausting, and the fatigue is catching up to you, and the two of you could take a few days to just hang out together, doing something fun, rather than obsessing over every detail of the logistics. It could also be that you鈥檙e feeling overwhelmed from other stress in your life, and if you鈥檙e able to take it easy for a bit, you鈥檒l feel more like your old self again. You could even build in a week or so of rest before your hike, so you can replenish before undertaking a new big thing.
You should know that pre-adventure hesitation is very real, and sometimes it鈥檚 wisest to trust your past self鈥攖he self who put the whole plan in motion鈥攁nd move forward. A lot of trips feel most daunting right before they happen, when pressure is highest and you鈥檙e hyper-aware of everything that might go wrong. Sure, some people enjoy planning, but for many others it鈥檚 a long slog that they need to push through to get to the real thing. If that鈥檚 you, you may find that once you start moving and you鈥檙e actually on the trail, doing what you once dreamed about, you鈥檒l remember why you wanted to do it in the first place. That鈥檚 when the good stuff鈥攖he joy and the meaning鈥攌ick in.
If, in your heart, you鈥檙e already planning not to go, and you鈥檙e just finding for the right exit plan, you should tell your friend immediately. He鈥檚 been looking聽forward to this adventure for years, and more importantly, he鈥檚 counting on you (and trusting your intentions). The sooner you tell him that you鈥檙e not going, the better the odds that he might be able to rearrange plans and find a new companion, or else figure out a way to make the trip solo. And the longer you wait to tell him, the more likely you are to ruin his trip, and possibly鈥攗nfortunately鈥攜our friendship.
In fact, even if you tell him you鈥檙e not going, the right thing to do鈥攁nd the thing most likely to preserve goodwill鈥攊s stay involved and help solve the problems that your leaving creates. For instance, if your friend finds someone else who鈥檚 interested in making the trip with him, you could lend that person the equipment that you bought, thus making it more likely that they鈥檒l be able to go. If your friend decides to backpack solo, but certain parts of the route are tricky to go alone, you could drive out and join him for occasional challenges. Or if he was counting on you to carry necessary gear, you can find other solutions for getting the gear where it鈥檚 needed.
I still think that if you go on the trip, you might surprise yourself and enjoy the adventure鈥攐r, even if you don鈥檛聽enjoy聽it per se, find it worthwhile. Getting to the starting line is often the hardest part of a race, and in this case, you鈥檙e almost there. But if you鈥檙e not going, make sure that you take as much responsibility as possible for the ways that your friend is relying on you, both on and off the trail. Even if he doesn鈥檛 plan trips again with you in the future, he should聽know that you care about him when it counts.