Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
A positive pregnancy test for my partner couldn鈥檛 positively be the end of our outdoor ambitions, could it? It wasn鈥檛 planned, but we couldn鈥檛 be more excited and in love. Plus, considering that it was our mutual passion for adventure that brought us together, I thought it was a given that a kid wouldn鈥檛 slow us down that much. I know there will be sacrifices, and I鈥檓 more than happy to make them, but she doesn鈥檛 seem to share my positive outlook. How do I talk to her about this without coming off as insensitive or naive?
Right now, your partner鈥檚 body is infested with a parasite that is sucking up her nutrients and squashing her organs. Yes, pregnancy is a beautiful, sacred process that usually results in a tiny human. Yes, you are a witness to the miracle of mammalian life. But pregnancy is also, under the best of circumstances, uncomfortable. Every second of every day, your partner is feeling an alien grow inside her body, a body that has heretofore been hers alone. It鈥檚 overwhelming. It can be terrifying, especially when unplanned. And while it鈥檚 wonderful that you鈥檙e with her and that you love each other, that love can never change the fact that the physical experience of growing a baby is intimately hers聽and hers alone.
Imagine you were in a car crash, and you鈥檙e lying in the hospital bed with casts on your arms and legs. Lights flash and machines hum. Your family stands around you, and you鈥檙e grateful for their presence but also feeling helpless and self-conscious. The doctors say you鈥檒l probably recover fully, but they won鈥檛 know for sure until they see how your bones heal. Everything hurts. The room spins as if you had just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. Then your partner鈥檚 face appears above you. She smiles. She kisses your cheek. 鈥淗oney,鈥 she whispers anxiously, 鈥測ou鈥檒l still come hiking with me, right? Right?鈥
Of course, odds are that once you鈥檙e out of the hospital, you鈥檒l still love hiking. But, Jesus, babe! One thing at a time!
The point is that your partner is undergoing an intense physical process, and it鈥檚 likely that the last thing she wants to think about right now is outdoor adventure. That doesn鈥檛 mean your adventures are over, and it doesn鈥檛 mean the values and joys that brought you together will fundamentally change. It just means that now is not the time for you to pressure her for reassurance. Massage her feet. Read books about pregnancy and parenting. Go to her prenatal checkups. Take on extra chores. Tell her every day how beautiful she is, how strong she is, and how lucky you are to be with her. Trust that your shared passion for the outdoors will not disappear, even if it鈥檚 not always at the surface of your everyday life.
The time will come, down the line, to talk about outdoor adventures. But in the meantime, the best way to prepare for those future adventures is to show your partner that you are behind her 100 percent. Soon鈥攕ooner than you realize鈥攜ou鈥檒l have the chance to share the outdoors with a whole new human, someone curious and brave and strong-minded who will bring a whole new perspective to even the smallest moments. Soon you鈥檒l be embarking on adventures together that you can hardly imagine, whether you鈥檙e feeding ducks or summiting mountains. Congratulations, Dad, and godspeed. You鈥檙e going to have the ride of your life.