Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My wife鈥檚 nephew (age 10) is very talented in his sport. Since my wife鈥檚 family doesn鈥檛 have much money, and my wife and I have two incomes and no kids, we鈥檝e been helping out by contributing to his training and expenses. He鈥檚 a sweet, talented kid and works very hard, there鈥檚 no doubt about that. We also enjoy the chance to be involved and follow along with his competitions.
The problem is that I recently saw something that indicates he might be cheating. My wife is completely in denial about it, and claims that nothing is going on. She even gets angry when I try to bring it up. Last time I tried, she said she wasn鈥檛 going to talk to me about this and she left the room.
I鈥檝e been worrying a lot about the situation, mainly because I鈥檝e always felt strongly about honesty, and I don鈥檛 want to support someone who鈥檚 cheating. I鈥檓 not sure what to do. I鈥檝e even thought about going to officials and reporting him anonymously. In my mind, the reason we support his athletics isn鈥檛 because he鈥檚 great at his sport (even though he is) or because we expect it to be his full-time career someday. We support him because it鈥檚 something he loves, and he鈥檚 learning skills like hard work, dedication, persistence, and problem solving. I hate the idea that this thing that鈥檚 supposed to be good might actually be teaching him the wrong lessons.
What would you do in this situation? Talk to his parents? Officials? Not say anything at all? I鈥檝e tried but I just can鈥檛 let it go.
This is a tricky one. It鈥檚 wonderful that you and your wife have a close relationship with your nephew, and have been supporting him鈥攁nd even more wonderful that you are doing so without expecting a certain outcome or level of achievement, and simply want him to learn and have a great time.
I don鈥檛 know why you think he might be cheating, but at this point, it seems mostly like a suspicion on your part. So it鈥檚 important to figure things out within the family, first, rather than contact authorities and set anything official in motion based on a hunch. And if he did cheat鈥攚ell, cheating is incredibly serious, but this is still a child we鈥檙e talking about, and I think kids should be given a lot of grace for their mistakes, at least the first time. I know many people who, say, slipped a piece of candy from a store into their pocket at that age, and they鈥檝e grown up to become incredibly scrupulous, ethical adults. In other words, your nephew鈥檚 actions at age 10 don鈥檛 represent his ultimate morality. Rather, they could indicate a need for a serious conversation with him about how cheating harms everyone in a sport; it鈥檚 not victimless, and administrations take it seriously for a good reason. Your nephew is a perfect age to be coming to terms with these ethical issues.
Another possibility is that if your nephew did cheat, he may have been put up to it by an adult. Adults tend to get really invested in kids鈥 sports, particularly if they鈥檙e achieving in a big way, and there are several kinds of cheating that would be hard for a kid to pull off without adult involvement. Maybe your nephew feels he has to cheat in order to make people proud鈥攐r maybe he鈥檚 been put into a situation he doesn鈥檛 want to be in, and is following the instructions of a coach, mentor, or relative. However, that鈥檚 layering one assumption on top of another; for now, let鈥檚 assume that鈥檚 not the case.
I think that talking to your wife seriously should be your first step. Since it鈥檚 clearly a tender subject, try scheduling the discussion in advance, so she doesn鈥檛 feel like it鈥檚 sprung on her: 鈥淗ey, I know this is a really hard conversation, but could we make time to talk about this? Is there a day that would work well for you?鈥 Then, once you鈥檙e together, let her talk first. It could be that her strong reaction is related to some old stuff, rather than the situation at present鈥攐r that it鈥檚 even related to your relationship specifically, like if she feels you jump to conclusions without enough evidence, or that you鈥檙e quick to mistrust her or her family. Maybe she knows something you don鈥檛 know. Remember that as close as you may be to them, this situation concerns her family of origin; there may be context or dynamics that have been at play for decades. You don鈥檛 actually know what鈥檚 upsetting her until she tells you directly鈥攂ut once she does, you鈥檒l be in a much better place to work it out, whether it鈥檚 about her nephew, her own sports history, or something you couldn鈥檛 possibly have predicted.
The next step, if your wife agrees, would be bringing your concern to your nephew鈥檚 parents鈥攁t which point, my inclination would be to let them take the situation from there. The fact that you sponsor your nephew financially will be a convenient lever; it鈥檚 fair to say, whether to your wife or your nephew鈥檚 parents, that you鈥檙e not willing to keep supporting him until you see this concern addressed.
Best case scenario, this whole situation serves as an opportunity for healthy conversation, and increases trust between everyone involved. I hope that your nephew isn鈥檛 cheating (in which case you may want to look at your own proclivity for making assumptions). If he is cheating, then this could be an important learning experience for him at a pivotal age. You and his family can model the kind of ethics you want him to grow into鈥攁nd he can learn to think more proactively about the person, and athlete, that he wants to become.