Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
There鈥檚 a woman who I鈥檝e been hiking with on and off for a few years. We don鈥檛 really do much together otherwise, but we like the same trails and ran into each other enough that we started meeting up and going together. She had a baby about eight months ago, and ever since then, I haven鈥檛 seen her once. I鈥檝e invited her for a few easy hikes since the baby came, but she declined one time, and twice she didn鈥檛 get back to me. I know I don鈥檛 owe her anything, and I鈥檓 really not the baby type, but I鈥檓 not sure what I鈥檓 supposed to do in this situation. Do I keep inviting her, even though clearly she鈥檚 not really in a place in life to go hiking these days? Is it rude if I sort of let things go?
I think you have to decide whether Mary鈥攚e鈥檒l call her Mary鈥攊s primarily your hiking buddy or your friend. That sounds harsh, but I don鈥檛 mean it harshly; it鈥檚 truly something for you to reflect on. Do you value having Mary in your life because of who she is and the connection you share? Or do you just want company on the trail?
If you鈥檙e not sure, consider this question. Let鈥檚 say you have a free afternoon this Saturday. Would you rather spend it with Mary, maybe catching up over coffee, or would you rather go off in the woods alone (or with someone else)? In other words, do you like Mary for friendship, or for hiking? Obviously, if you choose friendship, you鈥檙e not expected to give up hiking forever in favor of watching Mary change diapers in her living room. And if you choose hiking, it doesn鈥檛 mean that you鈥檇 never spend time with her in other ways. But if Mary is your friend, first and foremost, then it changes the dynamic鈥攁nd also the responsibility that you have to her. When our friends鈥 lives change, we show up for them. Surely you鈥檇 want her to do the same for you.
That doesn鈥檛 mean that you have to like kids per se, but if you want the friendship to continue, it does mean that you should find ways to accommodate Mary鈥檚 new addition鈥攃heerfully. That might mean hiking at odd hours when Mary鈥檚 partner or family members are able to offer childcare鈥攐r taking walks in the park with a stroller. It might mean that you don鈥檛 go hiking together at all for a while, and instead find other shared activities you enjoy; coming over and cooking dinner for her would be a great gift (be sure to do the dishes afterward!), but you could also suggest an at-home movie, or invite her to lunch somewhere where she could bring the baby in tow. Keep in mind that the period she鈥檚 in right now is a short one, in the scheme of things. Her baby won鈥檛 be little forever, but your favorite trails will still be around next year, or the year after that.
By the way, I want to comment on the language you used, about how you know you don鈥檛 owe Mary anything. You鈥檙e not alone in this thinking鈥揑鈥檝e seen in uptick in discourse lately about how we, as people, don鈥檛 owe each other things鈥攁nd while that鈥檚 technically true in a reciprocal, capitalist view of the world, and can be a helpful framework when it relieves the guilt of distancing yourself from someone who treats you poorly, I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 a healthy attitude overall. Abusive circumstances aside, it鈥檚 best if we all give each other warmth, empathy, the benefit of the doubt. Not because these things are owed, but because they鈥檙e not. Because giving each other kindness鈥攆reely鈥攂uilds a world of more kindness, a world where people aren鈥檛 just thinking about what鈥檚 in it for them. In other words, a world that鈥檚 good to live in. We don鈥檛 owe each other, but we need each other; and our communities are better when we show up with open hands, rather than suspecting everyone we know of trying to pry open our fists.
Anyway. Let鈥檚 say you give it some thought, and you determine that Mary isn鈥檛 really your friend. That you鈥檝e had some nice walks together, but don鈥檛 have much in common; the conversation doesn鈥檛 flow; there鈥檚 too much tension, too often, for you to pursue the relationship off-trail. In that case, you owe Mary the same things you owe anyone who鈥檚 been generally kind. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she鈥檚 not avoiding you, but she鈥檚 just swamped with baby care, half-asleep at all times, and probably can鈥檛 even find her phone. Give her empathy: recognize that her life is changing, and surely that鈥檚 exciting and frightening all at once. And give her warmth鈥攊f you end up seeing her soon, and also if you don鈥檛. Snap a picture at a favorite viewpoint, and text it to her with a note that you鈥檙e thinking of her, and remembering fondly the last time you were there together. She might not respond, but I bet you鈥檒l give her a smile.