Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I moved to a really cool, outdoorsy community late last summer. I鈥檝e long dreamt of moving here. However, I haven鈥檛 made a single friend. I work remotely, so I don鈥檛 have opportunities to meet people through a job. The pandemic has significantly increased my social anxiety, so I鈥檓 finding it hard to go into crowded public spaces for very long. I used to be the life of the party, but now I find myself becoming more closed off and withdrawn.聽I鈥檓 feeling really lonely and isolated, and I miss having close friends. I鈥檓 overwhelmed and don鈥檛 know where to begin. How did you make friends in a rural area?
You鈥檝e been on your own for more than a half a year, which is always rough, but I think it was really brave of you to take on this move. Congratulations on building your new life! Settling in takes time; just because it hasn鈥檛 happened yet, or is happening slowly, doesn鈥檛 mean anything about how much you鈥檒l ultimately belong.
I鈥檝e written before about making friends in rural communities, and the same advice still stands: the most important things are to get involved in existing activities, so you can connect with people over shared interests, and to be open to friendships that might look a little different from what you鈥檙e used to.
Though I鈥檝e heard folks say you鈥檒l never really fit in if you move to a rural place, that hasn鈥檛 been my experience at all. A decade ago, I moved to a town of about 500 people, and I鈥檝e been based here ever since. My husband grew up here, so I had the huge advantage of plugging into his social circle. Still, if anything, I鈥檝e found that my neighbors are excited聽to meet new people, and to welcome them鈥攁s long as those newcomers aren鈥檛 too cool to get involved in the local community. Obviously, every place has its own culture, so this isn鈥檛 to say that everywhere is equally welcoming. But I know many people who have moved to rural places and feel that they totally fit in.
Unfortunately, you have an added challenge, which is that your social anxiety makes things extra hard right now. Since your anxiety is affecting your life so much, it sounds like it’s something to discuss with a doctor or therapist, if you haven鈥檛 already. Either way, you鈥檒l need to be kind to yourself, and gentle with your fears, while also challenging yourself to keep your world from shrinking.
I think you should make two goals for yourself. First, to join at least one existing group, and ideally a couple of them. You mentioned that you wanted to move here for a long time, which makes me think this place has some really cool stuff going on. Before you came, what did you imagine yourself doing? Were there particular outdoor activities you wanted to participate in? On top of clubs and meetups, keep an eye out for volunteer opportunities, like walking dogs at a shelter or helping out at a seasonal festival. (Most of these opportunities would probably keep you out of crowded spaces, but for something like volunteering at a festival, you could request to help set up beforehand or clean up afterward鈥攜ou鈥檇 still be meeting people, but you could avoid the bigger crowds.)
Then, once you meet someone you like, take the initiative to connect further鈥攅ven if it鈥檚 scary. Let鈥檚 say you meet someone at a hiking club, you鈥檝e been chatting for 20 minutes, and you feel like the conversation could go on. Tell them you鈥檙e new, and that you don鈥檛 know many people! Often, when people find out someone鈥檚 new in town, they want聽to help you get involved; they might even invite you to dinner or a party so you can meet their friends. As nerve-wracking as it might be, if someone invites you to an event like that, do everything you can to attend. If you don鈥檛, they鈥檒l think you鈥檙e not interested, and probably won鈥檛 make the effort again; and if you do go, odds are high that you鈥檒l meet nice people.
For your second goal, try to go out and have a new experience at least once or twice a week. If you do something social, great, but you don鈥檛 have to; your main mission here is to get out of the house, learn more about your community, and figure out all the great things that are available to you. You could check out a new hiking or mountain biking trail, go to a public event (stick to outdoors if that鈥檚 easier), get a library card, or patronize a local business. The point here is that it鈥檚 very easy to get into a routine, especially when you don鈥檛 know anyone, and by forcing yourself to explore you鈥檙e making your world bigger. And as your world gets bigger, your social circle will, too.
Know that, just like it takes time to develop close friendships, it also takes time to聽find聽the people who will become your close friends. So as much as you might be craving a bestie, your first mission is to make friends, even casual ones, rather than seeking out those magical people with whom you can become super close. Partly this is because close friendships, like romantic relationships, can鈥檛 be forced; they come in their own time, although the more people you meet, the more options you鈥檒l have. But it鈥檚 also because best friendships often don鈥檛 start out that way, and might even take you by surprise. So your first mission鈥攁nd perhaps this takes a little pressure off, too鈥攊s to make acquaintances, friendly acquaintances, and see where things go from there. Meet people. Care about them. Help out. Show up. The magic will come on its own.