Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
Some friends and I have been planning a six-day float trip for a month from now. We鈥檙e breaking down menu planning so that two people are volunteering to cook a communal meal every night. The only problem is that I am a picky eater.聽I haven鈥檛 traveled with this group before, so I feel awkward about bringing it up. I really just don鈥檛 love big mushy stews and whatever else my hippie friends want to eat on the river. I know what I like, and I鈥檓 super willing to pay for and bring my own food every night, but I don鈥檛 want to kill the community vibe. How do I make this as non-awkward as possible and still eat the way I want to eat in front of my close-knit community of friends? Am I a huge jerk if I want to eat instant ramen every night while my friends make a festive mess? Maybe I could just bring cocktails?
The sooner you take yourself out of the communal food planning, the better. If someone鈥檚 taking the lead on most of the logistics, you could reach out to them privately to explain the situation鈥攂ut everyone will know at some point, so you might as well bite the bullet and send a group email. It鈥檚 up to you to set the tone, so if you don鈥檛 make a huge deal out of the situation, your friends probably won鈥檛 either. Just say you鈥檙e a picky eater and excited about the trip, but with the exception of your communal dinner (which you should still contribute to鈥攋ust make sure it鈥檚 something you like), you would prefer to manage your own meals. Then turn to the next item of planning. See? Not too hard. Once you鈥檙e on the trip, be responsible for your own trash and help with other communal tasks like filtering water and setting up camp.
You should expect some lighthearted teasing, but just laugh it off: 鈥淗ey, I like my ramen.鈥 (If the teasing isn鈥檛 lighthearted, then you might want to find new friends.)
As for cocktails, that鈥檚 a great idea. Appoint yourself the camp mixologist and plan some tasty drinks to share with the gang. It鈥檚 hard to imagine a group of friends who would be sad about having awesome drinks every night (with mocktails also available, of course). Just don鈥檛 take it personally if someone only wants to drink Bud Light.
I know this isn鈥檛 really my problem, but I鈥檝e been feeling bothered by my partner鈥檚 eating habits. He eats a lot of snack food and premade meals. He鈥檚 very active and is working on getting a PhD in kinesiology, so he鈥檚 busy but has a flexible schedule that would allow him to cook during the day. Still, every time he goes to eat something, he grabs lazy stuff like frozen burritos or food from the grocery store hot bar. I put a lot of effort into the way I eat, and it bums me out to see that he doesn鈥檛 care about what he puts into his body. How can I encourage him to eat healthier?
Grad school is intense, and it鈥檚 likely that even if your partner wants to cook or plan meals, he鈥檚 at the limits of his energy. Having a flexible schedule doesn鈥檛 necessarily mean that someone has motivation to spare, and irregular hours make it harder, not easier, to build in daily routines. When it comes to ready-made foods, frozen burritos and hot-bar foods aren鈥檛 necessarily unhealthful, so I suspect your concern is less about nutrition than values.
You put a lot of effort into your meals, and it upsets you to see your partner treat meals as, well, effortless. Are you worried that if your partner can let regular meals slide, then someday you might too? If he can be active and healthy while eating so-called lazy foods, does it feel like all the effort you put into your own meals might be in vain? Do shared, careful meals represent family for you, and does it concern you that your partner might not share this value? If any of these ring true, it鈥檚 worth putting some thought into them and then having an honest conversation. The trick is to figure out what it is, exactly, that bothers you so you can come to the conversation by sharing your feelings and fears rather than attacking your partner鈥檚 habits.
If your main concern is truly nutrition, then the solution is simpler. Your partner is going through an intense academic program, and he鈥檚 reaching for easy, low-effort foods. With a little planning, you can help ensure that the lowest-effort foods in your house are also fresh and nutritious. Stock the fridge with fruits and veggies, and if you enjoy cooking, prepare extra meals that can be frozen in single servings and reheated in a few minutes. Why should you be the one to do the extra work? Because you鈥檙e the one who cares.