Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I am an avid hiker and a moderately confident outdoors person who loves to get out into nature whenever I can. My partner is not an outdoors person at all. He鈥檚 not against it; it鈥檚 just not his thing. But he鈥檚 happy to join me because he鈥檚 happy to share in my passion, and once we鈥檙e out in the woods, he likes it too.
However, because it鈥檚 my thing, I feel pressure to make sure everything goes smoothly, or else my partner won鈥檛 want to come out with me again. He鈥檚 reliant on me in the wilderness, so I feel like I have to have it all together. That鈥檚 great if everything goes smoothly, but if I make a mistake, it feels like I鈥檇 potentially lose his willingness to be outdoors.
When my partner is in a good mood, he鈥檚 a delight to be with. We鈥檝e had some really wonderful camping and hiking trips together, and I definitely prefer going together to going alone. I know he enjoys himself when things go well. But there have also been times when it rains, mosquitos are bad, and so on, and it鈥檚 very clear that he would rather be at home on the couch watching a movie. In these moments, his company is so lousy and sullen that I would rather be there on my own, but I end up acting extra upbeat to try to cancel out his negativity, even though it stresses me out.
Should I take less responsibility for my partner鈥檚 feelings and trust his consent that he came with me in the first place? Or do I just go camping with other friends, so I don鈥檛 have to deal with the risk of him being a Debbie downer?
When I was 18, and working at a summer camp, I used to take girls backpacking in Yosemite. For many of the kids, backpacking鈥攁nd even hiking and camping鈥攚as pretty new to them. We taught them about pacing, packing their bags, staying hydrated, making camp, and how to cook and clean up on the trail. The culmination of the session was a two- or three-day overnight, and the girls had to face a number of their own discomforts and fears: homesickness, fear of the dark, bears, rain, and so on. We supported them, and they supported each other, and the pride and energy they got from the trip was always wonderful to behold.
Of course, we also had kids who liked to complain for complaining鈥檚 sake, particularly during the hiking portions. For them, we had a simple solution: every time they whined, we added a rock to their backpacks.
This worked immediately, every time. For one thing, the kids got the humor of it; they鈥檇 often stop mid-whine, start laughing, and run away shrieking before anyone could grab a rock. Or they鈥檇 find good rocks along the way and carry them themselves, waiting for someone to slip up and complain, while everyone else bent over backwards to only say ridiculously positive things.
These kids understood, inherently, what your partner doesn鈥檛 seem to have grasped yet, which is that if you鈥檙e on a group trip and you keep focusing on the negative, you鈥檙e not just adding to your own burden but also adding weight that has to be carried by the whole group. I鈥檓 not surprised that you end up acting ridiculously positive to try to balance him out! You鈥檙e trying to hold up all those rocks, because all you wanted was to have a nice time together. It must be exhausting.
The problem you鈥檙e having isn鈥檛 really about camping. It鈥檚 about you taking the time to plan something, a nice elaborate date, and then him being negative about it. Imagine if you were doing something totally different: if he planned a weekend trip to see a concert, say, and went out of his way to get tickets and make reservations, but then you spent half the time whining because traffic was bad, your hotel room smelled funny, the concert was too loud, and parking was ridiculous. Or if he arranged for you both to try a new restaurant, and you criticized the food rather than saying, 鈥淵ou know what, I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檇 come back here, but it was fun to try!鈥 It鈥檚 basic etiquette鈥攁nd kindness鈥攖o not be negative to the person who worked hard to create fun for you.
It鈥檚 possible that your partner genuinely dislikes camping, and thinks that if he complains enough, you鈥檒l get the hint and stop bringing him. I think you should ask him directly, and be prepared for an real answer: 鈥淒o you want to keep camping with me? If you don鈥檛, it鈥檚 OK. I really like it, but I don鈥檛 want to keep planning these trips if it鈥檚 not something you enjoy.鈥 If he says no, thank him for his honesty, and try not to take it personally, even if you鈥檙e disappointed. I鈥檓 sure you鈥檝e been a great guide, but camping just isn鈥檛 everyone鈥檚 thing.
If he says that he does want to keep camping with you, then you should take him at his word for that, too. He鈥檚 an adult, after all; he鈥檚 responsible for saying what he thinks, especially when you make explicit space for him to do so. In fact, I think you should work on doing the same. Try to notice when you鈥檙e acting super-positive to cancel out his negativity, and instead, be direct about the fact that his comments make you sad. 鈥淭he thing is,鈥 you could say, 鈥淚 know it鈥檚 raining and we鈥檙e stuck inside the tent, but I actually think it鈥檚 cozy and I like being here with you. It gets me down when you complain about something that we鈥檙e doing together.鈥 You could even bring some humor into it: 鈥淵ou know, I heard about someone who led kids鈥 backpacking trips, and every time a kid whined too much, they鈥檇 add a rock to their pack. I think I might have to start doing that with you.鈥 He鈥檒l probably just laugh it off. But next time he starts complaining, you can pick up a rock.