Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
So I鈥檓 an outdoorsy lady. I ski tour, climb, mountain bike, backpack. Being out in the mountains is the one thing that helps me stay grounded and sane. In my last relationship, we shared all these interests. My ex was the one who helped me build the skills I needed for the outdoors.
I recently started seeing someone new. We get along great and have lots of other interests in common other than being outside, but he doesn鈥檛 have that same need to be out in the mountains as I do. I鈥檇 love to share it with him and get him started in the things I love, but I鈥檓 just not sure he鈥檚 all that into it.
I wasn鈥檛 able to go ski touring most of the season because of an injury, so when I was finally allowed to go, of course I grabbed my nearest partner and we made plans. However, my current beau was a little put off that I wanted to be out skiing with my other friend instead of with him. I tried to explain why this was so important to me, and he got worried that he wouldn鈥檛 be able to meet some sort of criteria for being in my life. It never concerned me before, but now, of course, it has me second-guessing. Because at this point I would take a weekend out with an acquaintance, cold and suffering, over being warm and watching Netflix with him, every time.
I can tell this is something that will cause friction later on in the relationship, and I don鈥檛 know if I should accept it or leave before I get too emotionally invested.
This isn鈥檛 a problem that鈥檚 going to cause friction later on; it鈥檚 a problem that鈥檚 causing friction now. If you鈥檇 rather 鈥済rab your nearest partner鈥 or suffer with an acquaintance than invite your current beau to participate in your favorite activities with you, then you鈥檙e not exactly giving loving signals. Yeah, yeah, he鈥檚 not outdoorsy. But guess what? Neither were you, particularly, before your last relationship. And it sounds to me like your new boyfriend may have been hoping you鈥檇 invite him to go skiing and felt hurt (understandably) when you picked someone else instead. Here鈥檚 the big question you need to ask yourself: Is your beau staying home because he doesn鈥檛 like being outdoors鈥攐r because you don鈥檛 want him there?
My hunch is that you broke your ankle, felt bored and discouraged, and bonded with someone who seemed chill and could keep you company while you recovered. If you鈥檝e been injured for a long time, then you鈥檙e totally over hanging out on the couch. And maybe, to a certain degree, your beau has come to represent convalescence to you. After all, he鈥檚 the guy who sat beside you every weekend, watching Mad Men reruns and making popcorn on the stove. The guy who played Scrabble鈥攁gain鈥攊nstead of hiking that 14er you鈥檝e had your eye on. The guy who brings you breakfast in bed on stormy Sundays instead of pulling on his Gore-Tex and heading into the rain. You鈥檙e not sick of him; you鈥檙e sick of what he represents. You鈥檙e sick of being sick.
At this point, your boyfriend is probably terrified that your affection for him was circumstantial. Maybe it was鈥攐r maybe your fledgling relationship is the best thing to come out of this injury. If you really like this guy鈥攊f he makes you laugh, and makes you think, and you still get butterflies when you kiss him鈥攖hen you should give him some credit here. It鈥檚 possible that he doesn鈥檛 love watching Netflix every weekend, either. It鈥檚 possible that what he loves is you. And that when you were hurt and needed rest and comfort, he did what he could to provide that. Even if it meant sitting inside instead of exploring art museums, or checking out comedy shows, or playing pickup basketball, or wherever it is that his recreational interests lie.
He may not need the mountains in the same way you do. He may not have the skills to jump right into a multiday backcountry trip. But most people, when given the right introduction, can come to appreciate time outdoors鈥攁nd most people want to like the things that their beloved likes. Now that you鈥檙e back on your feet, why don鈥檛 you invite him to come skiing for an afternoon? Make sure his boots fit correctly, that he鈥檚 wearing the right clothing, and that he has plenty of snacks. Take it easy and head back home early before he gets overtired. Remember that this date is about making him comfortable, not fulfilling your need for adventure. It鈥檚 a chance for him to see you in your element, so that the next time you go skiing, even with someone else, it can be something that brings you closer together, not farther apart.
You鈥檙e always going to have mismatched interests in a relationship, whether that鈥檚 regarding your social life, the outdoors, sex, whatever. That discrepancy is only a problem if one partner is either unwilling to participate in their beloved鈥檚 passions or doesn鈥檛 want them to do it with other people. But so far, that doesn鈥檛 sound like the case here. Your beau supported you when you were injured. Give him a chance to support you when you鈥檙e healthy.