Welcome to聽Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I am a college athlete who is interested in dressing modestly for religious reasons. It鈥檚 something I started doing at home during quarantine, and I was surprised by how good it made me feel. I really feel like myself and I could see myself dressing like this forever. But now that things are starting up again, I鈥檓 nervous to keep dressing like this out of the house. I鈥檝e already talked to my coach about changing my workout clothes. (For instance, I will wear loose pants instead of leggings or shorts, and I will keep my聽shoulders covered. I am not planning to cover my hair at this time.) He says that it shouldn鈥檛 be a problem but I do know that people will notice.
I am also active on the weekends and often go hiking or running with a different group of friends, and none of them know about this. I still want to join them for the same activities, but I will be dressed differently.
Nobody is telling me to do this, it鈥檚 my own decision. My family is supportive, although I鈥檓 not sure if they really understand it. But I鈥檓 worried about being judged or treated differently. Do you have advice for how to handle this as I start seeing more people again?
Clothing can be a huge part of our identities, how we present ourselves to the world, and I think it鈥檚 wonderful that you鈥檝e found clothes that feel right for you. So, first off: congrats! Quarantine has been tough for everybody, and if you鈥檝e come out of it with new clarity about how you want to dress, I think that鈥檚 great all around.
My hunch is that, although this decision feels major for you, it will not feel major to other people. In fact, most of the people you encounter may not notice at all, especially if you鈥檙e not covering your hair. The differences between shorts and pants, or tight pants and loose pants, often come down to style; if anything, acquaintances may just think that your personal style has changed. This isn鈥檛 to say that you won鈥檛 feel judgment, or that people won鈥檛 say mean things; I just hope that any judgment or misunderstanding you face will be minimal.
Ironically, a lot of people鈥檚 judgment of others comes from fear of being judged themselves. When someone makes a positive change鈥攕omething they鈥檙e doing for moral or health reasons鈥攊t can feel like an implicit judgment, or highlight the ways that others have failed or neglected to change themselves. Some people might even be preemptively defensive, assuming that if you think modest dressing is better, you鈥檒l look down on them for not doing the same. (This response, ironically, might come from the people closest to you鈥攊f you have another friend of the same religion, for instance, who doesn鈥檛 choose to dress modestly.) These are feelings that people should work out themselves; there is no excuse for cruelty. But it might be helpful to remember if you have to negotiate the occasional less-than-positive response.
You didn鈥檛 mention your religion, and I鈥檒l refrain from guessing, because there are a number of religions that may involve modest clothing. But it should go without saying that if someone has a negative response related to your religion itself, that鈥檚 bigotry, it鈥檚 bullshit, you do聽not聽need to empathize with it, and you might even want to inform your coach or school and get them involved.
In any case, what you should do, as you start seeing people again, is pretty simple: go out boldly, explain the change in dress to relevant parties (that is, the people you聽want to tell), and completely ignore anyone else. But that鈥檚 harder to do in practice, which is why I鈥檇 recommend getting a support system in place first.
Does anyone know about your modesty? If you have a supportive pal, ask them to be your Modesty Support Friend as you re-enter the world in your new clothes. This is one of my favorite practices for short-term, non-crisis-level tough stuff, like visiting a difficult family member or getting through a hard week at school鈥攇etting a friend on board who鈥檚 not necessarily involved, but is willing to lend an ear for griping, text support, whatever, until the challenge is over. If you know a friend is doing something challenging, you can offer to do the same for them. Your Modesty Support Friend doesn鈥檛 need to dress modestly themselves, of course, but it鈥檚 someone who gets what you鈥檙e doing, loves you dearly, and can bear witness to any nonsense. Simply knowing that you鈥檙e not alone as you negotiate these first days, that there鈥檚 someone there in your corner, can be a huge help.
It could also be helpful to find a community鈥攐nline, if not in person鈥攐f other people who get what you鈥檙e going through. Maybe you already have this, maybe you don鈥檛, but it鈥檚 worth seeking out. And if it helps to have one stranger from the internet on your side: I鈥檓 happy for you that you found something meaningful, and I wish you all the best.