Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I鈥檇 love to hear your advice on how to develop more body confidence. Not to be weird, but I know you were on Naked and Afraid, and I imagine that takes a lot of comfort with yourself. Do you have any suggestions for feeling less judgmental of myself and more confident in my body?
A few years ago, I flew straight from the Alaskan arctic, where I鈥檇 just completed a 400-mile dogsled race, to Southern California, to give a talk at a private girls鈥 school. The students were almost frighteningly bright and engaged; the parents who attended were lovely and welcoming; the weather was sunny; all in all, it was a great few days. And though it was the last thing I鈥檇 expected to notice, I was struck by the fact that every single mom looked incredible, perfectly groomed and toned, like they鈥檇 walked straight out of a fashion or fitness magazine (or both). I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檇 ever been around a group of women who so universally fit the cultural beauty standard.
In the past, in that sort of situation, I might have compared myself to these other women and decided I came up short. I might have felt sloppy and lumpy and self-conscious. (Although, to be fair, sloppy might have been an accurate assessment. Because the invitation came when I was already in the far north, I had no appropriate footwear with me, and in my desperation bought a pair of $20 rain boots at Canadian Tire, which I wore for my presentations.) Worse, I would have projected my self-criticism onto the women around me, assuming that they thought I was less-than. This is, of course, an insidious mental trick: a way to feel badly about myself and other people at the same time, by falsely and unfairly ascribing negative thoughts to them. And, had I done that, I would have been much less happy, and had a harder time enjoying the palm trees and the excellent fruit, and been just a little bit distracted from the truly excellent conversations we were having.
Instead, I felt great about myself. I thought: here are incredibly beautiful women, and I am beautiful too. It was a surprising emotion and it was wonderful, and I wanted to hold onto it and know where it came from. And I realized that its origins were simple: my dogs and I had just raced 400 miles through the Arctic, crossing sea ice and rivers and tundra and gliding under the northern lights. My body had done this amazing thing, and I was聽proud聽of it鈥攏ot because of my appearance, but because of my strength and endurance and knowledge and will. I was proud to show what a body that could do something like that looked like鈥攑articularly when I was meeting with teenage girls, who were at the age when my friends and I first started to feel hyper-critical of our own looks.
A few months later, my husband and I had the chance to be on Naked and Afraid. There were a lot of considerations before we said yes鈥攊t鈥檚 not an endeavor without risks鈥攂ut one of the things I didn鈥檛 worry about was having my body seen, and presumably judged, by millions of people. I was never raised to see nudity as shameful, and I felt good enough about myself that strangers鈥 opinions didn鈥檛 matter.
This is not to say, of course, that the secret to body confidence is to mush across the Arctic or get naked on TV. And I鈥檓 hesitant to fully endorse the popular wisdom to聽focus not on how your body looks, but on what it can do, because people deserve to feel good about their bodies regardless of their capabilities鈥攁nd besides, capabilities change. I suspect the thing that鈥檚 helped me most is getting a bit older (and the fact that media has at least slightly shifted away from glamorizing the heroin-chic ideal of the 1990s and 2000s; I see my body type represented now in ways I never did as a teen). But here are a few other things that have helped me, and continue to help, and if you want to try them, they might help you too.
1. If you find yourself fixating on specific features you don鈥檛 like, remember that most people don鈥檛 evaluate each others鈥 appearance based on details, but on a kind of larger aura that includes their smile, their style, the warmth of their laugh, and so on. I think my friends are stunningly beautiful, and that their beauty is not in spite of, but聽includes,聽things I鈥檝e criticized on my own body like cellulite and stretch marks. Why should any of us think that we鈥檙e the exceptions to the standards that we apply to everyone else?
2. If numbers stress you out, you don鈥檛 have to know what you weigh. Like, you literally don鈥檛. You鈥檒l be fine. When I was 20 or so, I cared very much about my weight, and it didn’t make me healthier聽physically聽or聽mentally. Now I haven鈥檛 weighed myself in a decade. Sometimes, at the doctor, I ask them not to tell me (nobody鈥檚 ever batted an eye), and sometimes I find out by accident and that鈥檚 fine too. If you want to gauge changes in your body, there are countless ways to do so鈥攕ay, by the foods you鈥檙e eating, your clothes, or your endurance鈥攖hat are not measured on a scale.
3. Obviously, ideally, your relationship with your body shouldn鈥檛 be dependent on external validation. But if you鈥檙e having sex, the person (or people) you sleep with should be聽hyping you the fuck up.聽They should make you feel like the most gorgeous person in the world. Nobody deserves access to your body if they can鈥檛 see how spectacular it is. (The flip side of this is that it鈥檚 uniquely harmful if a lover is unappreciative or even critical. If someone you鈥檙e intimate with has made you feel bad about yourself, know that that means there鈥檚 something wrong with聽them,聽not you.)
4. If you鈥檙e having negative thoughts about your body, and can鈥檛 seem to break free of them, give yourself periods of time where you are simply not allowed to have those thoughts. These can be short at first. For instance, during a stretching session or a morning walk, vow that you won鈥檛 let yourself think negatively about your body for the entire activity. If you have a self-critical thought, remind yourself that no, you鈥檙e not doing that right now; push the thought away and focus on something nice instead. This skill gets easier with practice. Ten minutes might seem hard at first, but eventually you鈥檒l be able to go an hour, or a day鈥攐r even full time.
5. Finally, to paraphrase YouTube yoga teacher Adriene Mishler, find what feels good. Lean into the moments when you feel strong, or grateful, or happy, or relaxed. Hate sweating, but want to be more active? Go out in winter, or try swimming or an adult ice skating class. When your budget allows, get massages. What clothes make you feel good? What kinds of movement? What people? What media? What foods? Build space in your life for more of those things. The only one who makes the rules for yourself is you.