Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
I鈥檓 a twentysomething man who has been dating a woman for a few months now. We鈥檙e both river guides and have known each other for a few years, but it wasn鈥檛 until this summer that things really started to click. She鈥檚 funny, adventurous, and beautiful. I鈥檒l call her Lily.
I鈥檓 embarrassed to admit this problem to anyone, but this is an anonymous advice column, so here goes.
The thing is, Lily doesn鈥檛 shave her armpits.聽Intellectually, I鈥檓 drawn to the fact that she鈥檚 confident enough to rock body hair. I know a million reasons why Lily鈥檚 natural body hair isn鈥檛 unsexy. But when we鈥檙e making out, and her shirt comes off, it鈥檚 a聽complete turnoff to me. Seeing that hair just ruins the mood.
I know that if I鈥檇 grown up in a culture where women鈥檚 armpit hair was more normal, it wouldn鈥檛 bother me. I know it鈥檚 shallow, and I feel terrible that I can鈥檛 just get over this. Am I being a jerk if I tell her how I feel? I don鈥檛 want to ask her to change for me.
Look, you should never feel terrible about how your body responds to things. Your body does what it does, and what matters is how you decide to act on it. In this case, your body鈥檚 preference happens to line up with sexist social norms. Coincidence? Probably not; after all, you鈥檝e been steeped since birth in a stew of highly specific expectations for female bodies. But you鈥檙e aware of that, so you鈥檙e already a step ahead of most Americans. You鈥檙e actively working to move toward the light.
You should know that most of us aren鈥檛 drawn, in a vacuum, to every single detail of our lovers鈥 bodies. We all have weird scars and zits and we burp and snore and blow our noses and get sick and get better again. When you鈥檙e with someone enough, you get well acquainted with their bumps and lumps and, yes, hair. But in a healthy relationship, these so-called flaws don鈥檛 stand out compared to the person as a whole. They are part of the person we love, the person whose neck smells like home. And when you鈥檙e getting frisky, you鈥檙e too busy inhaling that scent to think about too much else.
So the issue here isn鈥檛 that you鈥檙e not into your girlfriend鈥檚 armpit hair鈥攖hat鈥檚 cool, that鈥檚 fine鈥攂ut that it bothers you so much that it鈥檚 overpowering the general sense of WOW you should be feeling when her clothes come off. I mean, listen: Her clothes are coming off. For you. This funny, adventurous, beautiful woman wants to get naked and do exciting things together that should make both of you feel very, very good. And when she takes her shirt off, instead of noticing, well, gee, I don鈥檛 know, her skin? Her breasts? Her smile? You鈥檙e fixating on two soft patches of hair that grow naturally in a fairly hidden part of her body and you鈥檙e thinking, Eh, you know what? That鈥檚 not for me.
Friend, I don鈥檛 think the pit hair is the issue.
I think that you want to like Lily, you鈥檝e decided she鈥檚 a good fit for you, but the chemistry鈥檚 just not there. Imagine her with bare armpits. Does she now strike you as a categorically different human, one of the hottest people you鈥檝e ever seen? Does the lack of hair make all the difference? Or might you just find something new鈥攈er voice, or her hands, whatever鈥攖o fixate on if you took hair out of the picture?
Of course, you can tell her that you prefer bare armpits. She may already suspect聽that something鈥檚 up. Just make sure that when you talk to her, you place the blame, as it were, on yourself rather than her. 鈥淚 know this is my hangup,鈥 you might start. It鈥檚 possible that she鈥檚 already been thinking of shaving her pits or has no problem shaving for a partner. It鈥檚 also possible that she鈥檒l be defensive or resentful. She might even be less attracted to you, thinking that you鈥檙e not as open-minded as she originally assumed. But in general, if you come to the conversation with humility and respect, she鈥檒l probably return the favor.
What happens next is less about armpit hair and more about your respective personalities, your values, and your chemistry.
Maybe she chooses to shave, and you can鈥檛 keep your hands off each other, and everything鈥檚 great.
Maybe she shaves, and you discover, as you caress her silky armpits, that your hesitation was never really about hair.
Maybe she doesn鈥檛 shave, but you learn to get over it.
Maybe you both discover that you鈥檙e not right for each other.
The point is that you can control how you respond to this situation, but you can鈥檛 control what happens next. You can only be honest鈥攚ith her and, more importantly, with yourself. Try not to get hung up on whether your pit-hair aversion makes you shallow. We all live imperfect versions of our ideals.
As you move into the future, whatever that is, remember that learned preferences can be unlearned. You might want to look up ethically-made porn that features women with body hair and see if you can train yourself to appreciate a greater diversity of enthusiastic bodies. That鈥檚 not for the world鈥檚 sake鈥攖hese women are plenty sexy for themselves and their partners, and your approval means literally nothing to them. It鈥檚 for you. The more we learn to celebrate reality, real humans with real bodies, the richer our lives (and sex lives) become.