Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I鈥檓 a dad, and my daughter and I have always gone backpacking together, just the two of us. It鈥檚 become a very special part of our relationship. We get time to talk, and she tells me about her life and what she鈥檚 thinking about. I always let her choose the destination.
She just turned 12, and I know she鈥檚 started her period, although that鈥檚 something that she talks about with her mom, not me. She鈥檚 asked me to pick up pads before, which I鈥檓 happy to do, but otherwise it doesn鈥檛 come up. She鈥檚 also at an age where she鈥檚 developing more privacy around her body, which I completely understand and respect.聽
Now that she鈥檚 getting older, how can I make sure she has the space and privacy she needs while we鈥檙e backpacking together, without making her feel like she should be embarrassed, or like I鈥檓 being weird about her growing up?
I think it鈥檚 fantastic that you鈥檙e thinking about this, and also fantastic that you take these trips together. You鈥檙e taking your daughter seriously as an adventurer, an athlete, and a person with goals and ideas and dreams鈥攁nd you鈥檙e also modeling the kind of thoughtfulness and respect that she should expect from men in her life, and from people in general. I鈥檓 sure this time together means the world to her.
It seems like you鈥檝e established a chill and supportive relationship with your daughter, which means that most of the work, in this case, is already done. She knows that she can come to you if she needs to, and that you鈥檒l follow her lead when it comes to privacy. You and her mom should confer, just the two of you, to make sure your daughter has the information, products, and anything else she鈥檒l need.
If your daughter has her period in the backcountry, she鈥檒l have to carry out any used menstrual products, which she can seal in a ziplock bag; it鈥檚 nice to put that ziplock inside another bag鈥攁n opaque one鈥攆or discretion. If you鈥檙e in bear country, she鈥檒l also have to keep that bag in bear-proof storage overnight, along with your food, trash, and anything else that might attract critters. If you鈥檙e hoisting a bear bag, or filling a bear canister, and she adds a pouch to it, don鈥檛 bat an eye and don鈥檛 ask questions. And if you notice that she seems extra sensitive, don鈥檛 take it personally; just try to stay calm and supportive.
Periods can be unpredictable, and even if your daughter thinks she鈥檚 prepared, she could still be taken by surprise. It鈥檚 not a bad idea for you to tuck some pads and tampons in your own bag, too, along with hand sanitizer, wet wipes, and Advil for cramps. Odds are that she won鈥檛 need them鈥攂ut if she does, then having those supplies will make all the difference. You don鈥檛 even have to mention them unless it comes up.
Similarly, you can give your daughter space without really drawing attention to it. Make sure she gets some time alone in the tent, so she can change clothes and do whatever else she needs to do. Maybe come up with an excuse to putter around the campsite for a few minutes after she goes to bed, and for a few minutes in the morning, too. And even though you can鈥檛 knock on a tent door, give her a head鈥檚 up before entering instead of just barging in.
Your daughter鈥檚 at a confusing stage right now. She might feel confident one moment, and insecure the next; she might want to take more responsibility and leadership on your trek, or she might enjoy just being able to lean on her dad. The great thing is that you can give her all of this. Let her take the lead during the day, or handle navigation, then cuddle against you by the fire and play 鈥淚 Spy.鈥 You鈥檙e her dad, and you鈥檙e there for her鈥攚hether she鈥檚 feeling grown-up or like a little kid, and everything in between.
My friend and I have been camping and road-tripping together and she has no sense of personal space or privacy. We鈥檝e been friends for a long time, so I always knew that she was pretty open about her body. She changes right in front of me, and so on, which I don鈥檛 mind at all. To me, that鈥檚 just basic locker room stuff. The thing is that lately she鈥檚 almost become more鈥ggressive about it? Not in an overt way, but I just notice that she鈥檚 doing things in front of me that I have always considered to be private activities. She doesn鈥檛 even try to go behind a tree anymore when she goes to the bathroom, and will hold a conversation with me the whole time, even when I鈥檓 clearly trying to give her space.
She鈥檚 struggled with shame around her body, so I鈥檝e been hesitant to say something, because I don鈥檛 want to bring that up for her again or make her feel like she should be embarrassed. But I also think that if she does these things around other people, they may judge her, and I want to protect her from that. How can I steer her toward more appropriate boundaries when it comes to bodily functions?
This is a clear example of a case where it鈥檚 okay鈥攁nd good!鈥攖o not overthink things. You鈥檙e worried about your friend鈥檚 battles with shame, about her sense of boundaries, about whether her behavior might have social repercussions later on. But actually, the real problem is that she鈥檚 doing bathroom-y stuff in front of you and you don鈥檛 like it. Try this line next time: 鈥淵ou know what? I鈥檓 gonna turn around while you do that. It鈥檚 not about you, it鈥檚 about me.鈥 She should get the hint pretty quickly鈥攂oth that you鈥檙e not into it, and that other people might be uncomfortable, too.