Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My boyfriend is a very outgoing and friendly person and I love that about him, but when we go hiking, his social commentary is starting to drive me nuts.聽
I鈥檓 all about observing the cordial trail etiquette of acknowledgement, but I am very much a silent, smile-and-wave type, whereas my boyfriend always has something to say鈥攆rom the benign 鈥淗ey there, how are you?鈥 to the more egregious 鈥淗ow much longer to the top?鈥 I mean, what are the oncoming hikers supposed to do? Stop and actually tell us how much longer to the top?? We have a map; we don鈥檛 need their input.
I don鈥檛 think my boyfriend is actually trying to start a conversation mid-hike, and I鈥檓 sure it just comes from a place of wanting to connect. Which, again, I really like about him in other contexts. But when I go into the wilderness, I want to be away from people and away from having to socialize, whereas he seems to be always eager for the next interaction.
I don鈥檛 know how to bring this up with him without sounding like an antisocial asshole, because I know he has good intentions. And who am I to judge how the recipients of his friendliness feel?
But it鈥檚 now getting to the point where I don鈥檛 even want to go hiking in busy places anymore, because every time we pass someone I鈥檓 just bracing for the conversation. I really wish we could just enjoy the quiet and solitude of hiking together. Should I go alone if I want to hike in peace? What advice do you have for the quiet partner of a chatty hiker?
I鈥檓 glad you wrote to me, because I鈥檓 happy to tell you that, from an outside perspective, you do seem kinda antisocial. But that doesn鈥檛 mean you鈥檙e an asshole! It just sounds like you prefer to have a quiet, private hiking experience, and that鈥檚 a good thing for you (and your boyfriend) to know.
Based on how you describe it, your boyfriend isn鈥檛 actually doing anything weird. 鈥淗ey there, how are you?鈥 and 鈥淗ow much farther to the top?鈥 are completely normal things to say to fellow hikers. They can answer in one word, without even slowing down, if they don鈥檛 feel like stopping to chat. In fact, on a less-than-crowded trail, it鈥檚 somewhat unusual to not acknowledge the people you pass, either with a smile, a nod, or a quick greeting, just like the ones your boyfriend鈥檚 been offering. It鈥檚 likely that the only person bothered by these interactions is you.
So if you want to bring this up to your boyfriend鈥攁nd I鈥檇 recommend it, because it鈥檚 good for our partners to be aware of our quirks, and it鈥檚 likely that he鈥檚 sensed your annoyance and isn鈥檛 sure what it鈥檚 about鈥攜ou should make clear, in the framing, that the issue lies with you, not him. 鈥淚 know this makes me sound like a jerk, and you haven鈥檛 done anything wrong, but I just can鈥檛 stand talking to people while hiking.鈥 If you can figure out why it bothers you so much鈥攎aybe it slows you down, or makes you self-conscious, or you鈥檙e worried about imposing on other peoples鈥 days鈥攖hen it would be helpful to mention that, too.
Hopefully you can both be understanding of each other, and he can keep your preferences in mind by, say, sticking to brief greetings but steering clear of extended on-trail conversations. But I also think it鈥檚 a good idea, as you mentioned, to start seeking out more remote trails. You鈥檒l have a lot more solitude and quiet time with your boyfriend. And he can still be polite, and greet the people you pass鈥攂ut on the bright side, you鈥檒l be encountering them way less often.
My friend and I go walking together and I usually have my dog off-leash, but this has started to be a problem between us. My dog is large, so people sometimes think he鈥檚 scary, but he鈥檚 actually incredibly gentle. However, my friend gets anxious whenever we pass people, and says I鈥檓 a jerk for having him loose. How do I get her to understand that she鈥檚 projecting?
I love having my dogs loose as much as anyone, but if someone around you is uncomfortable, the responsible thing is to leash your dog. It doesn鈥檛 actually matter how gentle your dog is, or how much you think he鈥檚 not scary! In this case, your friend is uncomfortable, so you should keep your dog on a leash when you鈥檙e with her. If that鈥檚 too annoying, you can spend your time together doing other, non-dog-related activities instead.