Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
This is kind of convoluted, but I will explain as best as I can. My boyfriend and I went camping this summer during an air quality advisory. At first it wasn鈥檛 bad, but as the first day went on, the sky turned gray and everything smelled like smoke. (The fires were far away so we were not worried about being caught in them.)
I have a health condition that can be triggered by bad air, so I told him I had to leave. I suggested driving to a nearby hotel, and if the air was better in the morning, we could come back to the campsite. (For what it鈥檚 worth, we had come in my car, so I wasn鈥檛 asking to borrow his.) I even clarified that I would pay for the hotel. He didn鈥檛 want to leave and got frustrated with me for suggesting it, and eventually things escalated into a fight. He accused me of making excuses and exaggerating my health problems, and suggested the truth was that I just didn鈥檛 want to be with him. Finally I felt myself starting to feel sick and I told him that I had to leave for my own safety, with or without him. I said I was going to the hotel and I鈥檇 rather he come with me, but if he didn鈥檛 want to, I couldn鈥檛 force him. He refused to budge so I went to the hotel by myself and came back the next morning to pick him up.
Ever since then, he鈥檚 had a grudge against me for 鈥渁bandoning鈥 him in the smoky air. He said I didn鈥檛 leave him an escape route and he would have been screwed if it got worse, that I was prioritizing myself over him, and if I鈥檇 thought it was actually dangerous then I shouldn鈥檛 have left him there. I said it was my car so it should have been my choice. It has been a sore spot between us and now I am starting to doubt myself. Was I wrong for leaving?
You were right to leave. I鈥檓 completely unconcerned about whose car you took; that鈥檚 irrelevant. If one member of a couple is having a health problem, then both members of the couple should prioritize getting them to safety as soon as possible, by whatever means. The same applies to a friendship, of course. It even applies to strangers. If I were at a campground or on a trail, and a random person needed medical care, I would stop what I was doing and try to assist however I could, up to and including helping them evacuate to a safer location. The idea of making that decision based on who owns which car seems ludicrous to me.
What even is the point of being in a couple鈥攐r a friendship鈥攊f one member is too self-absorbed to even pretend to care about their partner鈥檚 health? In this situation, your solution wasn鈥檛 even inconvenient: you offered to sleep in a hotel on your own, or to bring your boyfriend with you, which are both extremely reasonable options.
I鈥檓 equally baffled by his response in the moment. Why would you be faking your health condition? You don鈥檛 even need to have health problems for your actions to make sense. A simple 鈥淗ey, this smoke is stinky and unhealthy, I鈥檇 rather sleep indoors tonight,鈥 is reason enough. Smoke is gross. We have air quality alerts for a reason. It鈥檚 particularly reasonable to want to stay inside when that鈥檚 literally what public health officials are recommending.
He must have figured that you didn鈥檛 have it in you to actually leave鈥攖hat you were bluffing, and if he was forceful enough, he could convince you to stay at the campsite with him. It鈥檚 the only way his abandonment narrative makes any sense at all, because it sounds like you were communicating clearly. If this is the case鈥攊f he figured you didn鈥檛 have the spine to leave without him, and felt angry and betrayed when you did鈥攖hen it reveals an even deeper problem, one in which he feels best about your relationship when you鈥檙e ignoring your own needs and catering to his alone.
Try to think back on your relationship: are there any other times when he鈥檚 displayed this kind of forcefulness, desire for control, or irritation when you make your own decisions? I鈥檓 not going to say these things are always a pattern鈥擨 guess it鈥檚 possible that someone could have one really bad day鈥攂ut this situation is certainly a massive red flag, made even more glaring by the fact that he鈥檚 doubled down after the fact. Is this really the guy you want to go camping with for the rest of your life? Share a home with? Make life decisions with? Do you even trust that he鈥檇 let you contribute to life decisions? If not, it鈥檚 better to break up ASAP than to let time pass and get even more embroiled. In fact, you could even dump him the easy way. Pull up your car, roll down the window, and let him know that you鈥檙e building your own life and he鈥檚 welcome to get in. He won鈥檛, of course鈥攁nd so off you鈥檒l drive, leaving him in a cloud of exhaust.