Welcome to聽Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideim.com.
My boyfriend works as a guide (ski guide in winter and river guide in summer), but this summer his company is closed because there aren鈥檛 enough tourists, so he鈥檚 been stuck at home. Instead of looking for different work, he has decided that he is going to use this time to focus on his novel, which is a project he鈥檚 been working on on-and-off for a few years. At first I encouraged him because I thought it would cheer him up, but it鈥檚 now been six weeks and I worry that he is not making plans to get a new job and there doesn鈥檛 seem to be an end in sight. He is also inside all day when he would normally be out, which makes it harder for me to do my work, since I work from home and our house is not big.
He is a sweet, positive guy and always encourages me, so I want to do the same for him. I can see us together for the long term, but I am not sure how to get through this part right now. We keep our finances separate, but split rent and expenses evenly, and I can鈥檛 afford to cover things myself. He has not published writing before, but when I try to bring up money, he says that the book will 鈥減ay off鈥 when it is finished and that I am manifesting him not being successful. I think the writing helps him and honestly I don鈥檛 care how he makes money as long as he is happy, but this situation isn鈥檛 sustainable. How do I talk to him about my concerns without seeming like I鈥檓 questioning his talent?
OK, so there are a few issues here, and it seems to me like the novel itself is a red herring. Your boyfriend鈥檚 writing a book? Great! He鈥檚 getting through a tough time by devoting himself to art? Good! He鈥檚 counting on that art to sustain him financially when he has no track record of making a living in that field, and he blames you when you bring it up? Hey, now.
Let鈥檚 imagine鈥攎anifest, if you will鈥攖he possibility that his novel is going to be a runaway bestseller. Even if that were guaranteed, he鈥檇 still need money in the meantime. For instance, has he accounted for the fact that when you sell a book to a publisher, it can take a year or more to get paid? Many books don鈥檛 earn royalties, and he may have to pay for a publicist, expert readers, and book tour out of pocket? Plus, if he doesn鈥檛 have an agent, he鈥檒l want a lawyer to negotiate rights and contracts (and if he signs with an agent, a lawyer should review that contract, too). The point isn鈥檛 that his book won鈥檛 be successful, but that if he has more money now, it will help the book to be successful鈥攁nd just as importantly, help him get by until then. And that鈥檚 in the very best of circumstances.
If his first novel isn鈥檛 a runaway bestseller? That doesn鈥檛 mean his second one won鈥檛 be, or his third. But he鈥檚 still gonna need a day job until then.
What worries me is his accusation that you鈥檙e manifesting a bad outcome. Because if this book doesn鈥檛 pay off鈥攁nd odds are it won鈥檛鈥攊t鈥檚 not that you were right to be concerned, it鈥檚 that it鈥檚 your fault. It鈥檚 a hot mess of resentment waiting to happen.
The ego is a tender beast, particularly when cornered. And your boyfriend has cornered himself. He鈥檚 probably feeling bad that he lost his job, he鈥檚 insecure about his writing, and he doesn鈥檛 want to disappoint you or look foolish. It鈥檚 also possible that he鈥檚 been applying for jobs this whole time, but he hasn鈥檛 gotten one and hasn鈥檛 wanted to tell you. Emotionally, he needs the book to pay off, because it will redeem him鈥攔edeem his talent, his time, the stress he鈥檚 put on your relationship, and his dream of being a successful writer.聽
So your best strategy, in this case, is to help him understand that there鈥檚 nothing to redeem.
You should come to him simply: 鈥淟ook, honey, I鈥檓 worried. I want you to finish your novel, and to have the time you need, but I can鈥檛 support us both until the book pays off. Is there a way I can help you finish this book and also earn money this summer?鈥 The key here is framing the situation so that these two priorities鈥攚riting the book and getting a job鈥攁ren鈥檛 at odds. It鈥檚 not a question of which one he values more; it鈥檚 a question of finding the best way for him to do both.
Then ask him to make a plan with you. You can re-evaluate it as time goes on.
It could be that if you keep house quiet hours in the morning, your boyfriend would be better able to focus on writing鈥攁nd could pick up a part-time job in the afternoon. Maybe you can arrange a bookshelf room divider, or turn a garden shed into a writing studio, so you each have your own space. If he worries that available jobs don鈥檛 use his skills, try to reframe that in a positive light: he鈥檚 giving his mind a break so he can come back to the real work of writing. He鈥檚 not betraying his dream; he鈥檚 sustaining it.
By taking (some) financial stress out of the equation, he鈥檒l be putting less pressure on his writing鈥攁nd you鈥檒l be able to encourage him more freely, because you won鈥檛 have that lingering worry in the back of your mind. When he wants a reader, you鈥檒l be there to cheer him on,聽and when he needs reassurance, you鈥檒l be there too. Because at this point in the process, he doesn鈥檛 need the whole world to believe in him. He just needs to know that you do.