I recently moved into a new neighborhood where everyone is involved in each others鈥 lives. (Picture picket fences, etc.) I鈥檝e noticed that when a neighbor needs to borrow something, like a snow shovel, they come to my door. In particular, there鈥檚 an older woman who lives alone across the street and seems to think that I鈥檓 her personal assistant. She鈥檒l come over uninvited to ask for things every week or so, like to take her dog out to pee when she has an appointment, or even to reach things that are high up in her garage. She does bring me baked goods, which is nice. But cynically, I feel like she does it so that I can鈥檛 say no when she asks for favors in return. I have a physical outdoor job, and when I come home I just want to relax and protect my peace. I don鈥檛 want to be rude, but how much am I actually obligated to help people just because I live near them?
Surely, your elderly neighbor is baking you cookies in an insidious plot to put you in her debt, but joke鈥檚 on her鈥攜ou never signed a contract! The answer to your question, clearly, is that you鈥檙e not obligated to help her at all. People aren鈥檛 credit card companies, measuring all interactions based on who owes what to whom, with a guarantee that at the end of the day we鈥檒l all end up exactly even (or ahead). You can accept your neighbor鈥檚 cookies, but refuse to reach things off her top shelf. You鈥檒l probably get fewer cookies over time, but that鈥檚 not because you haven鈥檛 earned them. It鈥檚 because she鈥檒l assume that you don鈥檛 like her very much.
From my perspective, it doesn鈥檛 seem like this neighbor is taking advantage of you. The help she鈥檚 requested isn鈥檛 particularly time consuming, nor has she asked for anything she could reasonably hire someone to do. Sure, she could stand on a chair and reach things herself, but if she鈥檚 disinclined to do that, it鈥檚 probably because she knows something about her balance that you don鈥檛. These are exactly the kinds of things that we should be relying on friends and neighbors for鈥攁nd if the ask isn鈥檛 onerous (and sometimes even if it is), then yes, I believe we should all try to chip in when we can. Even you.
It may be that you鈥檙e overworked right now, and feeling extra irritable because you鈥檙e stressed and tired. If that鈥檚 the case, I think it鈥檚 a reason to lean on community more, not less. That鈥檚 exactly why your neighbor brings you cookies! She wants you to know that she鈥檚 thinking of you, and that she cares. Not just about what you can do for her, but about who you are and how you鈥檙e doing. If you fell and broke both of your legs, and you couldn鈥檛 take her dog out anymore, I鈥檓 99 percent sure she would keep bringing you baked goods. In fact, she鈥檇 probably bring you more.
I鈥檓 curious what you mean when you say that you want to protect your peace. Does 鈥減eace鈥 mean sitting in your house, undisturbed, free from considering the inconvenient needs of the people around you? What would it look like if everyone protected their peace the same way you do? What if you need a snow shovel one day, because your car is buried and you need to dig it out before you can get to the store to buy one? Your peace isn鈥檛 just yours; it鈥檚 contingent on living in a world where people have what they need, and part of that means that communities and neighbors are able to rely on each other.
Unless, of course, your peace is just yours鈥攁nd it鈥檚 something you鈥檝e learned to guard fiercely because no one else has protected it for you. If you鈥檝e spent your life being taken advantage of, then it makes sense that you鈥檇 develop a laser-focus on self-protection, and would come to view apparently generous interactions through a lens of suspicion. If that鈥檚 the case, I鈥檓 truly sorry. I wouldn鈥檛 wish that on anyone. You鈥檙e welcome to continue focusing on yourself alone, especially if it鈥檚 how you鈥檝e learned to survive. But if there鈥檚 some spark in you that does crave an interdependent community, but feels vulnerable or afraid, then perhaps this new neighborhood presents a small opportunity to heal. I wonder if you even sensed this ahead of time, and were drawn to living here for that very reason.
One way to change your experience, ironically, is to learn to accept kindness. Even when that feels scary, because if it ends, you鈥檒l be alone again. Enjoying your neighbor鈥檚 cookies doesn鈥檛 mean that you鈥檙e dependent on her generosity. It means you鈥檙e peering through the doorway into a world that鈥檚 full of cookies. A world where kindness is passed freely, without suspicion. To you. And from you, too.
There are an infinite number of ways to build that kindness. Instead of just lending a snow shovel, offer to come help dig. Hold a door for someone. Toss back a frisbee that comes your way. Or just smile and say, 鈥淪ure, I can reach something off your top shelf. It鈥檚 no problem. And why don鈥檛 I bring over some hot chocolate, too?鈥
聽writes our聽Tough Love聽column. Previously, she has given advice on dealing with a weird neighbor.