A few times a year, a new documentary film about the outdoors appears on our favorite streaming services, purporting to explore , or the , , or some other natural wonder in a groundbreaking manner. In addition to dizzying drone angles and super slow-motion footage, these projects all share a common quality: a celebrity narrator.
President , so did and actors , , , , and (among many others). Michael B. Jordan and Kevin Costner both joined the narration ranks this year. has done so many that he鈥檚 probably lost count.
The proliferation of celeb voiceovers begs the question: Who should narrate the next one? While the rational, down-to-earth answer is likely 鈥渨homever is available,鈥 we鈥檙e inclined to nominate more creative鈥攁nd less pragmatic鈥攐ptions.
Joe Buck
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av2-3OCDfXg
Over the years, football and baseball announcer Joe Buck has weathered more than his fair share of criticism. Some find him biased, unexpressive, and monotone. For the record, he won me over with his call of the in 2018, but to the haters still out there, I propose that he may be better served narrating nature-docs. Take one of his most criticized moments: when he called Randy Moss鈥檚 innocuous fake-mooning of a 2005 Green Bay crowd 鈥渁 disgusting act.鈥 This comment would make much more sense applied to, say, a leech swallowing a worm.聽And if you find nature-watching boring, try sitting through a 3-hour baseball game! Buck has developed the patience to guide us through a predator slowly stalking its prey, and he鈥檒l be ready with quips and facts to keep us entertained (鈥渨e saw this hawk grab a rodent from 60 yards during warmups鈥). Even if he still gets the usual complaints (鈥淛oe Buck is clearly rooting for the lions!鈥), at least he鈥檒l introduce some much-needed controversy to the genre. 鈥擩onathan Ver Steegh, digital production manager
Louise Belcher from聽Bob鈥檚 Burgers
Who better than the dark-minded, chaos-loving of Bob鈥檚 Burgers to tell us how some obscure fish from the depths of the ocean stalks its prey? Voiced by Kristen Schaal, nine-year-old Louise鈥檚 unique helium-laced timbre would keep audiences rapt, and her sardonic sense of humor would lend itself well to describing the brutal realities of the animal kingdom.
-Maren Larsen, podcast producer
Marcel the Shell
The problem with nature documentary narration is one of perspective. I want gonzo journalism. I want an inside scoop. Who better than a shell to tell me about the wildest marine species, or the geological history of the desert Southwest鈥攚hich used to be a shallow sea? Voiced by comedian Jenny Slate, Marcel is humble, charming, and earnest. Marcel knows what it鈥檚 like to try and hack it as a non-human inhabitant of this planet we鈥檙e destroying. I鈥檇 like to hear what he has to say. 鈥擜bbie Barronian, 国产吃瓜黑料 senior editor
Shooby Taylor
OK鈥擨 realize that the obscure 80s jazz singer is not a celebrity, and alas, he is also dead (RIP), both of which disqualify him from actually narrating a cool film about whales or whatever. Shooby was a novelty act, no doubt, and his scat singing attempted to replicate the sound of a jazz trumpet. His voice is so off-putting and bizarre that, at some point, it becomes beautifully hilarious. I beg you to watch and listen to and then tell me you wouldn鈥檛 want to hear Shooby, mid-song, describe the hunting tactics of a majestic Peregrine falcon. The eagle鈥檚 large eyes spot the prairie dog and鈥攂im, soo-di-lee dee-buh-lah-bay diddle-ay doat-und vee-bah鈥攈e takes flight and circles the rodent. 鈥Frederick Dreier, articles editor
Tommy Wiseau
Perhaps you are familiar with The Room, that Z-list masterpiece of dramatic schlock that鈥檚 inspired as many midnight showings as The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Aside from a couple of cameos here and there, the movie鈥檚 director and star Tommy Wiseau has mostly been eating off the notoriety of that film in the 19 years since its release. But I respectfully submit that Wiseau鈥檚 chaotic energy and unpredictable delivery鈥攐ne minute scenery-chewing, the next inappropriately blas茅鈥攚ould be a perfect pairing for the natural world, where the lines between predator and prey are often fuzzy and the roles can be recast in a fraction of a second. Imagine late-night documentary screenings at your local independent theater, everyone dressed up as their favorite animal and shouting along to the best parts of Tommy W鈥檚 narration (鈥溾). I鈥檇 get in line for tickets right now. 鈥擜dam Roy, Backpacker executive editor
Dennis Haysbert, the Voice of Allstate Insurance
There is no better voice of god than this man, who, after a quick google search, is none other than 68-year-old Dennis Dexter Haysbert. This man鈥檚 voice sounds like room-temperature butter on a homemade sourdough toast (the kind from before the pandemic). He is home, comfort, and warmth. I would trust this man to guide me up Everest in a bathing suit. He can do no wrong. So, if wants to lull me into sweet informational bliss by rattling off some nature facts while I sink slowly into the folds of my couch, tell me where to sign. 鈥擲ierra Shafer, Ski editor-in-chief