The five things you should know if you were only going to know five things about yesterday at the Olympics.
1. The U.S. moved back ahead of China in the medal standings, currently leading the way with 82 medals compared to China鈥檚 77. However, China still has more golds, outnumbering the Americans 36 to 34. If the U.S. is the 鈥渂est country in the world,鈥 but China has more gold medals, China is 鈥淭he New America.鈥 While, indisputably, winning is all that matters, the U.S. still leads China in things like Having Basic Human Rights, Being Able to Have as Many Children as You Want, and Athletes That Their Grandparents Are Dead.
2. A big reason why the U.S. moved ahead of China in the medal total was last night鈥檚 dominant track and field . They won seven medals in a 90-minute span, taking more than half of the 12 available medals and three of the four possible golds. Aries Merritt took gold in the men鈥檚 110m hurdles, while Allyson Felix won the 200m, and Brittney Reese finished first in the long jump. Americans: still really fast, still able to jump really far, and still able to run really fast while jumping over things.
3. The U.S. also gold and silver in women鈥檚 beach volleyball, with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings claiming their third straight golds. Some people complained about the U.S. being able to have two teams in the final, which, yeah, it鈥檚 super-unfortunate that the second-best beach volleyball team in the world (Jennifer Kessy and April Ross) was awarded second-place in a competition that is supposed to determine the three best beach volleyball teams in the world. Stop making sense, Olympics!
4. The Netherlands advanced past New Zealand in the semifinals of the women鈥檚 field hockey tournament. In addition to New Zealand鈥檚 team being known as 鈥淭he Black Sticks,鈥 this is extra-notable because the match was decided by a shootout. If you鈥檝e never seen a field hockey shootout, you鈥檙e living a partial life. Watch (fast forward to the 1:59:00 mark), and become whole. Everything in the world should be decided by a field hockey shootout.
5. Apparently punching your opponent in the groin has become a thing in the men鈥檚 basketball tournament? Two days after an Argentinean guard (whose name does not matter) socked Carmelo Anthony in the crotch, Nicolas Batum of France, who is an average-to-occasionally-good NBA player, wound up and basically to ensure that Spain鈥檚 Juan Carlos Navarro would lose the ability to procreate. There are no appropriate jokes for this unsettling trend, so stop trying to make them.