Prologue

When I heard the snap of branches coming from the darkness surrounding our camp, my hand tightened around the hilt of my sword. My eyes scanned for the source of the noise听but saw nothing.

Could it have been a bear? Or even a troll looking for a meal? I prayed it was听not a band of cutthroat goblins seeking to plunder our hard-earned treasures.

That鈥檚 when I spotted it: a wolflike creature stalking toward听me in darkness. I turned to Tanner the ranger, my traveling companion, to warn him. But I discovered to my horror that a large dark shadow had appeared right next to him. Before I could draw my sword, the wolf creature was already upon me. It was too late.

Chapter 1: The Beginning听

I love Dungeons & Dragons鈥攑robably too much.

When the pandemic started, I, along with millions of others, turned to D&D for fun and socializing. After all, the real world really sucks right now. Some people escape by learning a new language or reading. We escape by pretending to be elves. Don鈥檛 judge.

Over the past year,听many of the physical activities I used to do, like going to the gym, fell by the wayside. It鈥檚 had an acute impact on my physical and mental well-being鈥攁nd . Even as we emerge from the worst of the pandemic,听social isolation has听created a lasting crisis of anxiety, stress, and depression for many across the world.

These thoughts culminated one day while I was huffing home with a backpack filled with groceries, when I听wondered, How the hell does my D&D character carry their things while slaying orcs and exploring dungeons?

With more time on my hands than I knew what to do with, I figured now was the perfect opportunity听to answer that question.

My quest was simple: I鈥檇 go hiking and camping for two days carrying all the equipment my character carries. It would give me the chance to marry my love for D&D with my old love of doing听anything physical鈥�an听improvement over my current exercise of听only听getting up from my couch to grab听another beer from the fridge.

Of course, every adventure needs an adventuring party,听so听I recruited my college buddy Tanner. He鈥檚 an outdoorsman of the highest caliber, having hiked everywhere from the treacherous trails of eastern Iowa to the exotic locales of central Iowa.

I sent him a missive, imploring him to brave this perilous journey with me.听鈥淲anna go camping with me in a month?鈥� I texted. Not long after, he responded,听鈥淵eah, sure.鈥�

Now听I was ready to answer a question that philosophers, artists, poets, and scholars have ruminated on since time immemorial: What happens when a somewhat-out-of-shape writer tries to survive听in the wilderness using only the gear听available to his D&D character?

I was about to find out鈥攐r die trying.

Chapter 2: The Preparation

My character is Zaddy D. Vito,听halfling听bard and adventurer extraordinaire.

He and I are a little different. For one, I am a six-foot-one-inch human man, not a portly hobbit the size of . But Zaddy has panache and always makes things work with his cleverness鈥攕o I would, too.

In his听Explorer鈥檚 Pack, according to听the D&D player鈥檚 manual,听Zaddy carries听the following:

• A backpack
• A bedroll
• A mess kit
• A tinderbox
• Ten torches
• Ten days鈥� worth of rations
• A waterskin
• 50 feet of hempen rope

I already had some of these things: a听backpack, a bedroll, and a wineskin I got听as a souvenir from a trip to Spain. Through the magic of fate (read: Facebook Marketplace), I acquired a Boy Scouts mess kit, a survival tinderbox, and 50 feet of cotton rope. I also created ten听torches by combining free paint stirrers from Home Depot with a few ripped-up T-shirts.

That left rations, which the player鈥檚 manual says 鈥渃onsist of dry foods suitable for extended travel, including jerky, dried fruit, hardtack, and nuts.鈥� After a bafflingly expensive trip to the grocery store, I had听everything but the hardtack (a simple dry bread that sailors used to carry on long voyages), which I ended up baking on my own. True to its name, the batch I made was virtually inedible and could have doubled听as sidewalk chalk. I plan on sending future samples to NASA in case they want to use it to line space shuttles.

Zaddy also carries a rapier and a lute. My substitutes:听a fake sword from Craigslist and my girlfriend鈥檚 ukulele. All told, the equipment weighed just 25 pounds鈥攁 far cry from the 59 pounds that the player鈥檚 manual estimates he totes. I wasn鈥檛 about to complain,听though. With my setup听mustered, it was time to set off on my quest.

Chapter 3: The Quest

Tanner and I decided to camp at Lake Macbride State Park, north of Iowa City, Iowa,听for our adventure. The player鈥檚 manual doesn鈥檛 mention a tent, so we needed to build shelter for the night. Luckily, Tanner took a survivalist camping class once. With his guidance, we created a somewhat structurally sound shelter out of branches and leaves.

As we worked, a ferocious-looking dog barked at us from a nearby campsite. Its owner eyed us suspiciously. I made a听mental note to keep my sword close.

Once finished, I donned my equipment and we set out. In D&D, players accept quests given by NPCs (non-playable characters). I figured we could do the same by soliciting quests from strangers in the park.

To our surprise, folks听didn鈥檛 immediately call the cops on us when we approached. In fact, we ended up completing quests and getting rewards like real D&D characters. Our quest-givers included:

• A group of students from the University of Iowa. Their quest: for us to drink a shooter of Fireball. Their reward: two hard seltzers.
• A lovely older couple traveling around the Midwest. Their quest: for me to play them a song on the ukulele. Their reward: a听handful of Dove dark chocolates.
• A young couple with excitable dogs. Their quest: for听me to play them a song on my ukulele (I was afraid everyone else would want this, too, but luckily they didn鈥檛). Their reward: a can of light beer.

For our last quest, we came upon a large family, whose dad told us, 鈥淔ind a morel mushroom. We鈥檙e making pizzas, so we can use it as a topping. We鈥檒l make you one, too… if you find it.鈥�

Tanner smiled. He was a mushroom-hunting veteran and knew exactly how to locate them. We took off into the woods, confident that we鈥檇 come across听a morel soon enough. Alas, after an hour, we were tired, hungry, and mushroom-less. Defeated, we headed back to the family to report our failure.

Yet won over by the sheer silliness of what we were doing, they decided to make us a pizza anyway. So we drank our beers and ate pizza while reflecting on a hard day of adventuring.

Darkness had fallen by the time we made it back to our campsite. I fumbled through my backpack, looking for the tinderbox to light a fire. That鈥檚 when I heard the snapping of branches.

I looked up and noticed a dark shape walking toward me. In my mind, I saw a wolf ready to pounce. In a panic, I grabbed the hilt of my sword, ready to cut down my foe. But before I could do anything, it was already at my feet鈥� sniffing. It was the听dog from the camp nearby.

Relieved, I looked at Tanner to tell him about it鈥攁nd saw the silhouette of a man next to him. I could imagine听the headlines already: 鈥淢an with Sword and Inedible Bread Found Murdered.鈥�

鈥淵ou boys have any cigarettes?鈥� he asked. Tanner shook his head. I fished out a pack from my pocket and gave him one. The man lit it and stood there for a moment before walking away.

鈥淭hat was weird,鈥� Tanner said. We laughed. Soon after,听I found my tinderbox. Tanner made a small pile of leaves and twigs in the camp鈥檚 fire pit鈥攂ut I realized we had forgotten to grab firewood.

As I was about to search for听some, three logs fell on the ground next to me with a thud, as if gifted from the gods. I glanced听up and saw it was none other than the stranger who had bummed cigarettes from us.

鈥淭hought you boys could use some,鈥� he said before quickly disappearing into the darkness. Tanner and I exchanged looks.

Quest and reward鈥攋ust like D&D.

Chapter 4: The End

We decided to go hiking the next day, though we were both exhausted (surprisingly, our shelter was not the most comfortable place to sleep).

I could feel everyone鈥檚 eyes on me as we trekked听down the trail. To their credit, I don鈥檛 think any of them expected to see a man with a ukulele and a sword hiking alongside them that Sunday.

The hike was a lot tougher than I anticipated. Though my pack was lighter than the one Zaddy uses, it felt like a hundred听pounds by the end. Eventually, we stopped near a lake, and I fell asleep as soon as I lay down.

After I awoke, we headed back to the campsite. Each step was harder than the last, and I took many opportunities to rest and 鈥渁dmire the scenery.鈥� If Tanner knew I was tired, he didn鈥檛 let on. He鈥檚 that kind of guy.

We made it back to the campsite in time for lunch, and attempted to eat a few bites of hardtack but gave up before we chipped a tooth.

By this point, I had a fairly good idea of what Zaddy endures, and I told Tanner that our quest was a success. He nodded and agreed. As is bro custom, before going our separate ways,听we made our requisite vague promises to hang out again.

As I cleaned up the campground, I reflected on what I鈥檇 learned. For one, I鈥檒l be sure to opt in for my workplace鈥檚 dental plan if I plan before听eating hardtack again. Also, hiking isn鈥檛 as fun when you鈥檙e carrying 25 pounds of equipment, a sword, and a ukulele.

But I also learned that even in the height of a pandemic, plenty of people听were still willing to lend a hand and share some pizza with complete strangers鈥攅ven two men armed with swords.

The biggest lesson for me, though, is that your adventures are only as good as your adventuring party. Fortunately, I had a great partner: Tanner the ranger, builder of shelters, veteran morel hunter, and good friend.

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