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My partner and I always fight while packing the car for a road trip, especially around the holidays. It brings out the worst in us. Our stress and anxiety turn into arguments about how to organize the trunk, and—not kidding—whether he really needs to bring his espresso machine. Help! How can we avoid another packing meltdown this month? —Road Weary

As a minimalist packer, it drives me bonkers when people stuff their car to the ceiling with nonessentials. My mom is a notorious overpacker and lives in constant fear of not having enough snacks when she travels. Because I loathe driving, I’ve just accepted that on even the shortest road trip with her, my knees will be crunched against the dashboard to accommodate gallons of water and a cooler of food jammed behind my seat. (If we ever got caught in a storm, we’d survive comfortably for a few days.)

My best friend, Katherine, usually argues with her husband, Carmino, about packing for their annual December road trip from Brooklyn to South Bend, Indiana, to visit his grandmother. Fights ensue because they think they have more room in their Jeep Gladiator than they actually do. “Yet every year we still pack it to the brim,” she says.

Carmino is a wanna-be chef, so he insists on traveling with his own kitchen supplies, including a 25-by-25-inch wooden cutting board and numerous pasta-making machines and tools. Additionally, they head out with a Yeti cooler packed with artisanal New York City treats and return with his grandmother’s homemade Polish sausage and pierogies to share with family on the East Coast. “I’m talking like 90 pierogis,” Katherine says.

In fairness, Katherine packs her own pillows, and sometimes blankets, for their hotel stays en route to Indiana, which drives him crazy. Getting rest during family holidays is essential, she rationalizes. “At least I use them all week long, versus one day,” she says.

Why Does Packing for a Holiday Road Trip Feel Particularly Tense?

One of the biggest fights �����ԹϺ��� editor Mary Turner ever had with her father was over a casserole dish that she placed in the trunk of the car when he wasn’t looking as they were about to drive to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving. “He discovered it right before he closed the trunk, and all hell broke loose,” she says. “He is super anal about what goes where in the car, and I apparently hadn’t followed those rules.”

Vacations, travel, and packing are cognitively stressful, says Sarah Pressman, a professor of psychological science at the University of California at Irvine. “We have to juggle a lot of mental tasks and questions,” she says. For example: What needs to be packed? Will it fit? What am I forgetting? Will I really need this? Excessive cognitive load, she says “can be tiring, distracting, and potentially diminish our patience.”

Holiday travel especially is a pressure cooker of stress, says Los Angeles–based therapist Laurel Robert-Meese. “You’re often trying to get everyone else’s needs met,” she says. “When you’re rushing out of the house to get to your parents’ or in-laws’, and know you might be out of your routine for a few days, stress is heightened.”

A huge trigger of travel stress is unrealistically high expectations, says Pressman. “We want everything to be absolutely perfect during the holidays or on a major vacation,” she says. “When our expectations aren’t met—for example, in a chaotic packing situation—it’s easy to be disappointed and lash out at whoever is around us.”

To diffuse the situation, ask yourself what’s more important: that the car is packed a certain way or that you get to your destination safely and relatively on time, says Robert-Meese. “And do you want to be right, or do you want to stay married?” When someone throws a tantrum about a backpack being on top of the suitcase, or between suitcases, that typically represents something bigger, she says. “If someone is anxious about something—like seeing their parents—that may manifest in criticizing something trivial, like where the suitcase was placed.”

Does Car Size Matter?

My friend Carly and her husband, Ross, live in Boulder, Colorado, and love road-tripping with their two girls, but they hate the Tetris of configuring everything just right into their vehicle. In 2017, they purchased a bare-bones but roomy Sprinter cargo van that they refer to as their mobile garage. But they quickly learned that when you have a bigger vehicle, you want to pack your entire house, including the espresso machine, a giant cooler that contains the contents of their fridge, a case of wine, plus all of their family’s adventure gear. “Pretending we have a Subaru instead of a Sprinter might help with quantity control,” she admits.

Tiny cars in Europe are a personal affront to many Americans used to SUVs. Yet when my friends and I go on ski trips to the Continent, my frugal friend Michael, who lives in New York City, inevitably always rents the smallest car. We manage to make it work after what Michael’s wife, Meredith, calls “the great packing saga.”

Meredith is a pro when it comes to packing any size car. “The biggest or most angular or geometric pieces—like skis—go in first,” she says. “Anything that fits neatly in the corners of the trunk. Then it’s Jenga with smaller bags or soft bags. And finally, you plug every crack and crevice with small bags, extra coats or sweatshirts, or sneakers.” Her personal bag, usually teeming with snacks and extra clothes, stays up front within easy reach.

Who Should Get the Final Say?

Delegating one person to pack the car—and being responsible for knowing where everything is—can reduce stress, says Pressman. “Sometimes one person has a special skill of optimizing the available space. So let them be the one to make those decisions instead of randomly throwing things in or fighting over what goes where,” she says.

If one of your travel partners is super organized and wants to decide what goes where in the car, let them, says Pressman. Decide what your priority is. “Pick your battles to maximize happiness, and figure out who should be in charge based on personal strengths and preferences,” she says.

Michelle and Andy Gilbert of Point Pleasant, New Jersey, are a perfect example. Michelle says she always forgets to pack all kinds of stuff: “We’ve had to stop for bras, toothbrushes, hair products, underwear…. You name it, I’ve forgotten it.” Her husband, on the other hand, is a meticulous packer; he makes a checklist on his phone and ticks things off as he packs.

“We are very different people,” she says. “He laughs at me but never gives me a hard time. It’s an unspoken rule that he’s in charge of any important documents, as well as packing the trunk or back of the car, especially if we have a lot to bring. I’m in charge of the front area of the car snacks, blankets, the fun stuff.”

If you anticipate going head-to-head about one specific travel issue, set some rules beforehand. For example, maybe the driver gets to decide what feels safest for their comfort in terms of car organization, but the passengers can take control over what goes in the back seat. What’s most important is establishing clear lines of communication and talking through individual priorities before packing and loading begins, says Pressman. Consider compromises, and work together to create a plan that will make everyone happy.

Kelli Miller, author of , suggests using a sliding scale between one and ten to determine who is more emotionally invested. “If you’re a seven when it comes to organization and your partner is a two, you take the lead,” she says. Miller agrees that clear, constant communication is key.

How to Make Packing the Car Less Stressful

Plan Ahead

When we procrastinate, and then feel like we don’t have time to do what we need, that activates our stress response, says Pressman. “This heightens negative emotions and makes us more irritable and reactive,” she says.

Carly says her family’s packing history confirms this. If it’s done at the last minute on the day of a trip, it always results in tears, the silent treatment, and, inevitably, leaving an hour later than intended.

Miller recommends starting to pack at least three days ahead, to give yourself time to shop for necessities, decide who is responsible for what, and determine what nonnegotiable items have to make it into the car.

Assign Roles

When people have specific responsibilities, things feel more controlled and communication is high, says Pressman. “My husband and I typically make a shared Google Docs packing list of what we need and who is packing what,” she says. “This reduces surprises and conflicts over forgotten items. I often find myself asking him the day before, ‘What am I forgetting?’ And nine times out of ten he’ll remember something I forgot.”

But Make It a Team Effort

Carly tries to make packing a family affair. “I recently discovered that I can give my eight- and ten-year-old daughters a packing list and put them in charge of their own bags,” she says. “This relieves some stress, as I’ve outlined what they need, and they are expected to execute. If they forget something, it’s on them.”

Everyone also helps haul bags and gear from the house to the van, and then her husband loads it.

Take a Breath and Laugh

If you’re fighting about how to pack the car, don’t feel like you have to push through while panicking, says Pressman. “Negative emotions focus our attention and make it harder to find creative solutions to problems,” she says. “Take a breath, take a five-minute break, and talk about the good things that will happen on your trip. Even a quick knock-knock joke can do wonders to diffuse the tension and help you get back to the grind in a more helpful mood.”

One of her favorite jokes: Why did the tire get invited to all the road trips? Because it always knew how to roll with it!

Jen Murphy is the travel-advice columnist for �����ԹϺ��� Online. She grew up in New Jersey, the only state where it’s still illegal to pump your own gas. She’ll cope with a messily packed car as long as she doesn’t have to fill the tank.