Welcome to聽Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideim.com.
I met my partner on a dating site about two years ago and we clicked because of our common love for triathlon. The start of lockdown was great. With few other distractions, we could run and cycle to our hearts鈥 content, and we did.
However, nine months ago she injured her knee, and that injury has become chronic. She鈥檚 tried everything from physio to steroid and botox injections but her injury isn鈥檛 getting better. She has become depressed and resents me exercising. I have exercised less and resent my lost fitness.
We鈥檝e talked about it a lot, and although she says she doesn鈥檛 mind me exercising, she clearly does. I want her to seek help for depression but don鈥檛 know how to sensitively bring this up.
We moved in together during lockdown and she is keen to buy something together. I鈥檓 concerned this relationship is falling apart and I鈥檓 not ready to commit. I keep trying to see a way forward but I think we might both be better off without the relationship. Can you shine any light on the matter?
Since running and triathlon are out of my wheelhouse, I reached out to聽, an ultramarathoner, for her advice. Her heart goes out to what your partner is going through.
鈥淔or people who do long endurance events, I think a lot of us share the idea that pushing our limits is a really meaningful way to find joy in life,鈥 she says. 鈥淟ike the BIG kind of joy. It feels good physically doing it, but there鈥檚 the bigger notion of molding ourselves鈥攎entally and physically鈥攖o reach things we couldn鈥檛 without the work. I liken the work of training to something like a religion, because there鈥檚 something very spiritual about it. There鈥檚 suffering and transcendence and sacrifice. It鈥檚 not the same, but there are elements there. And when that gets taken from you, it can be devastating. I have had injuries like that鈥擨 couldn鈥檛 run for three or four years because of a gruesome injury and strings of surgeries and recovery. It was awful.鈥
She recommends that your partner see a sports psychologist, who will be able to treat her depression and speak to her emotional needs as an athlete. Depression isn鈥檛 a weakness or a character flaw, so you鈥檙e not insulting your partner by bringing up this suggestion. That said, if you haven鈥檛 spoken much about mental health together, she may feel self-conscious during the conversation. So your best bet is to be kind but direct, and to make sure you鈥檙e speaking from a place of love rather than one of frustration. You can say that you鈥檝e seen how much she鈥檚 suffering, and you wonder if it might be helpful for her to talk to a doctor about what she鈥檚 going through. If she鈥檚 open to it, you should offer to help her make an appointment, as that can be a daunting first step for someone who鈥檚 struggling.
Then there鈥檚 the issue of your partner resenting your exercise, or the fact that you feel she does. It鈥檚 hard for me to gauge how this dynamic plays out. If she truly wants you to miss out on the things you love most, that reflects a far deeper problem. But I suspect that, if you鈥檙e correct in sensing that聽she鈥檚 unhappy about your exercising, it鈥檚 not because she wishes you weren鈥檛 doing it; it鈥檚 because she wishes she could, too. Jen adds, 鈥淚f missing time together聽is part of her resentment, it鈥檚 worth thinking about how you can adapt, too. Can you do overnight workouts? Or split them between early morning and late evening, to allow more time with her.鈥
She also points out that if your partner鈥檚 injury is her knee, 鈥渢here鈥檚 plenty of stuff she can do that allows her to work toward challenging goals, compete, and train. She could shift to long distance swimming (if that works), or rowing/kayaking may allow her to eventually regain her workouts. And from my experience, even years of struggle may resolve with good physical therapy and medical support. A year seems like a long time, but lots of injuries take longer. That means hope for her still.鈥
If you and your partner are both committed, and put in the emotional effort, I think you could work through this. A tough period, especially during a pandemic, doesn鈥檛 mean that things will always be tough. And even if your relationship looks different than it did a year ago, it could still be healthy and positive鈥攚ith your partner processing her grief, so she can cheer for your triathlons, and you supporting her in the ongoing challenges of her injury, as well as encouraging her other interests, which will likely evolve as she learns her new options and limits.
But here鈥檚 the thing: from your letter, I鈥檓 not sure you want to make things work. It sounds like maybe you鈥檙e looking for a way out. If that鈥檚 the case, it鈥檚 OK. You moved in together a year ago鈥攑ossibly sooner than you would have otherwise, because of the pandemic. And it鈥檚 not the relationship you thought it would be. If you鈥檙e unhappy, and you know that you don鈥檛 want to make the kinds of commitments that your partner is looking for, then the kindest thing is to end the relationship gently and swiftly, without dragging things out or making promises you don鈥檛 intend to keep.聽
One note: if there鈥檚 even a tiny part of you that wants to leave because it鈥檚 too stressful to be around someone whose body isn鈥檛 performing to the athletic standard that she and you expect it to, then I鈥檇 strongly encourage you to talk to a psychologist yourself鈥攐ut of respect for your current partner, for possible future partners, and for your own sake, too. Athletes get injured; bodies change, sometimes a lot. It鈥檚 no more fair to expect otherwise than it is to begrudge a partner鈥檚 passions just because you can鈥檛 participate. Whatever happens, you should be ready to support your partner through all their ups and downs鈥攁nd you deserve someone who will do the same for you.