Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
I started using Instagram to document a road trip after college, and though I didn鈥檛 intend for it to become a career, it鈥檚 been my full-time job for five years now. I spend between 50 and 60 hours a week taking and editing photos, responding to comments, reaching out to brands, and developing sponsored content in the outdoors/travel sphere (I don鈥檛 want to say too much, but my brand is kind of like #vanlife without the van). I make enough from sponsored posts to afford health insurance and start paying off my student debt, which makes me better off than a lot of my friends. I also really enjoy the creative parts of the job, like composing and editing photos, which is what got me started in the first place.
The problem is that having a big audience has taken a toll on my mental health, even though it鈥檚 also what makes it possible for me to make a living. I am an introvert and feel self-conscious when I鈥檓 in听public because of how often people recognize me, so I don鈥檛 like to go out anymore (I have actually liked wearing a mask for this reason). I also have trouble trusting new people, because I have made new 鈥渇riends鈥 and trusted them, but it turns out they mainly wanted to be friends so I would promote them. The clincher of this was when I started dating someone I thought I loved, but realized after a while that he was more interested in the 鈥渟tory鈥 of dating me, which really hurt me. And it seems like no matter what I post, even the simplest things, there are people who find a reason to criticize me about it. I don鈥檛 think I am particularly sensitive, but when 30 people tell you every day that your gums are ugly, you are unethical for eating chocolate, or your photographs are bad, and you can never guess what they鈥檙e going to hate about you next, it adds up.
I know that if I talk about these problems publicly, it will seem like I am complaining about the privilege of having a large platform, and also that people will accuse me of being fake for admitting I鈥檓 careful about what I post. I know that my platform is a privilege, so I don鈥檛 want to complain about it, but it also came from a lot of hard work. And I don鈥檛 want to quit, because I see how much my friends struggle to find jobs, even when they have much more experience than me. It seems dumb to walk away from something I鈥檓 relatively successful at when I鈥檓 not qualified to do anything else, especially right now. I just feel trapped, and I can鈥檛 talk about it with anyone without seeming ungrateful.
I worked as a camp counselor after high school, and I loved it. I loved the girls in my cabin, and I loved being the mentor that they needed: patient, fun, always ready to hold a hand or offer words of encouragement. By setting an example for the girls, going out of my way to be the kind of role model that they deserved, I was also setting an example for myself鈥攖hat I could be someone who helped other people feel brave, a young woman whom little girls wanted to be.
Of course, I am not actually an endlessly patient person, and it helped that I also had moments alone, or with fellow staff, where I didn鈥檛 have to be conscious about being a Role Model all the time. It doesn鈥檛 mean that the person I was around campers was fake, any more than a teacher is fake when he stands in front of a classroom, or a musician is听when she performs onstage. If you were to tell me that your persona as an influencer is fake, then I鈥檇 believe you鈥攂ut听that doesn鈥檛 mean that it鈥檚 inherently fake, not at all.
I think you鈥檙e in the fairly common position of being both a symbol and a person, but that you鈥檙e negotiating it on an exponentially bigger scale than most people can relate to, which also makes you a target for a shitload of projections and resentment (and, I suspect, misogyny, since a lot of stereotypes about influencers鈥攖hat they鈥檙e shallow, disingenuous, too ambitious, and/or that they haven鈥檛听earned their success鈥攁re just common critiques of women, justified in a new form). Actually, it makes your influencer self a target for those things, but since the very concept of influencer relies on the intimacy of blurring lines between symbol and person, those projections and resentments land squarely on you, which seems, understandably, lonely and stressful.
Unfortunately, I鈥檓 not sure there鈥檚 a way to completely avoid that. It might be a hazard of the job, and even if you leave Instagram, it would probably be good to talk to a therapist who can help you develop coping strategies.
Also, I want to acknowledge that it sucks hard that someone dated you for the story. That would be a heartbreaking experience for anyone to go through, and I鈥檓 so sorry that this jerk betrayed your trust like that.
If you choose to remain an influencer, there are a few things you can do to make it less stressful in the future. You can try to build more friendships with other influencers and online creators, people who can relate to the weirdness you鈥檙e experiencing and will be able to hear you out without (presumably) projecting as many of their own assumptions and insecurities鈥攁nd听you can also try to build friendships with people who have nothing to do with that world whatsoever, and therefore do not care at all, and possibly do not even understand, what your job is. You should also focus on nurturing the relationships you had before this, the friends you already know like you for you.
It may help to create firmer boundaries between your work and your life: having Instagram-free weekends, for instance, or turning off your phone at a certain time every day, writes . It might feel like that means you can鈥檛 keep up as much, but remember that you don鈥檛 need to do everything possible at your job; you just need to do enough.
You should also think about whether you want to continue being an influencer in the short, medium, and long term, and if so, what you would need for that to be emotionally sustainable. Would it be helpful to shift the focus of your account away from you as a person, and toward something less intimate, like scenery, food, or product reviews? Could you stop using your last name (if you currently do), or even create a nickname for your influencer self听that would give you, as a person, an added layer of privacy?
If you decide to leave Instagram, you鈥檒l be in the same boat as many people who leave established careers, and there are a ton of resources out there for that.听But I want to respectfully disagree with the idea that you鈥檙e unqualified for other work. You have a ton of valuable experience鈥攜ou鈥檙e a photographer, you鈥檝e built a business in a competitive field, you鈥檙e adept at working with brands and audiences, and you have your finger on the pulse of social media. Frankly, your skills should be in high听demand. That鈥檚 not to say that you should jump without a safety net, but that if you do decide to jump, I鈥檓 confident that you鈥檒l find a way to land on your feet. And even if you stay an influencer, you鈥檒l know that you could leave鈥攁nd sometimes that alone makes the difference.